IT’S BIG, IT’S A CUP, AND IT’S BACK, BABY!
The goal of the season so far was unquestionably scored by Milan Pavkov on Tuesday night. The substitute striker was sent on late by Red Star Belgrade – or Crvena Zvezda, if you like needlessly throwing up barriers to comprehension – in the hope of winning the Big Cup qualifier they were playing. And win it he did, if only for opponents מועדון הכדורגל מכבי חיפה – that’s Maccabi Haifa, duh – as under no pressure whatsoever, he sliced spectacularly into the top-left corner of his own net on the stroke of time. Oh Milan! The 2022-23 edition of Big Cup hardly knew ye!
As costly mistakes go, it knocks the clanger dropped on Wednesday night by PSV keeper Walter Benítez into a c0cked bowler hat. Not that the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers will care about any arbitrary fiasco ratings handed down by The Fiver. Benítez’s attempt to play out from the back – in the style of the Manchester United we knew, had become accustomed to, and loved before the basic-competence-infused shock of Monday night – was intercepted by Malik Tillman, who teed up Antonio Colak for the most lucrative two-yard trundle in the club’s history. And so, for the first time since 2010, the Light Blues’ ball goes into the glorified tombola for the group stage of Big Cup.
The draw will be made at 5pm BST on Thursday. Just as you’re reading this, in fact, provided our rickety mail-out mechanism, held together by gaffer tape and hope, functions properly. Come to think about it, we’re a bit worried about its ability to parse the Hebrew in the first paragraph, too, so if that’s all come through as a string of &s, ^s and aubergine emojis, that’s what we were trying to do there. Anyway, it’ll be the first time since 2007 that both of Scotland’s ever-popular big two are in the draw, and with the four usual English teams in there as well, there’s a fair chance we’ll be dusting off our Big Book o’Battle o’Britain Clichés (Big Cup edition) for the first time since the Queen’s Celtic held Manchester City to a couple of draws in 2016. That was the year they were also gubbed 7-0 in Barcelona, incidentally, which may explain why Callum McGregor has gone on record hoping to draw Real Madrid.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I said the wrong name” – Esperança keeper Kainan puts his foot in it after a man-of-the-match display at the Copa da Paz game against Vic Vic in Brazil, paying tribute to his girlfriend … but calling her by a different name. Pressed by his interviewer, Kainan swiftly realised his error, later blaming forces “from beyond” for his faux pas.
RECOMMENDED ATTENDING
Gary Lineker will join us … well, Big Events team – on 12 October to introduce his new book for football fans of all ages. Tickets are available now for attending in-person or watching on livestream.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The latest Football Weekly Extra podcast is here for your aural enjoyment.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: match postponements (Fiver letters passim). November 1969. I travelled all the way to White Hart Lane (in the days before the internet) to find the little wooden sign attached to the gates saying ‘match postponed’. This was due to snow and I decided to trudge home part of the way to save some pennies. My shoe soles separated and my feet got soaked. A few days later, with snow piled around the edge of the ground, the match was played … only for the floodlights to go out near the end of the first half. As the game had started there were no refunds. The full match was finally played in March and, naturally, to add insult to injury, Spurs lost 1-0” – Ian Neale.
“As for games that should have been postponed, I dragged my (mostly southern) mates up to Manchester for my stag do, and included a trip to Gigg Lane as part of the festivities. The intensity of the fog that afternoon was such that we could not see the opposite side of the pitch and seemed to have descended only to reinforce stereotypes of how grim it is up north, much to my southern friends’ amusement” – Tom Dowler.
“Had the ref at this Southend-Sunderland fixture done the right thing, then Michael Bridges wouldn’t have scored his debut first-team goal, not that anyone could see it” – Tim Grey.
“I recall my first ever away match supporting Queen of the South (the only team mentioned in the Bible) at Stirling Albion [not quite – Fiver Ed]. Being allowed to travel with real men to a match aged 16 was an experience in itself; turning up in Stirling city centre at 12 noon and making straight for the pub. Beers at this time weren’t really what I wanted, but this was compensated by the all-you-can-eat buffet which consisted entirely of sliced luncheon meat (straight from the can) in floury rolls. When I was sick later in the day, I put the episode down to the number of rolls that I had eaten rather than the early-day beers, of course” – Marc Meldrum.
“Re: Newcastle buying Alexander Isak (yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs). As a Toon supporter, I wish we had have gone for Chris, instead. He plays a wicked game” – Allan Barless.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Ian Neale.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Eintracht Frankfurt keeper Kevin Trapp isn’t buying what Manchester United are selling. “United is a world-renowned club and, faced with such an offer, I had to think about it, which I hope that everyone understands,” he cooed. “But yesterday I told the people in charge of both clubs that I have decided to stay.” The next name on United’s shopping list is Martin Dubravka’s.
Almost three years after he took over with Stoke City 23rd in the Championship, Michael O’Neill has been given the boot with them 21st in the Championship. “The job he did in stabilising our position should not be underestimated,” tooted joint-chairman John Coates.
New Manchester United signing Casemiro is properly over the moon at his bumper payday move to Old Trafford. “I’m the happiest man alive,” he cheered.
And Halifax Town have uncoupled with winger Jamie Allen after he left them in pre-season for a stint on Love Island.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ben Fisher is down with the kids, so he wrote about the TikTok kick-off craze that’s sweeping Europe.
Max Rushden hates time-wasting, but he also loves stoppage time. What’s to be done?
Gareth Southgate has a decision on his hands about England’s goalkeeper, according to Ben McAleer.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
