I have always assumed that my main use in the event of an apocalypse would be as protein. Ideally, I’d have a few weeks of peace first, eating whatever was in my now defunct fridge and reading a few last books, before tough, athletic, practically skilled survivors found me and chopped me up for parts. I’ve always been aware that I am built for mod cons, not dystopia.
But the new Channel 4 reality show – sorry, “radical social experiment” (give it UP, Channel 4, you’re racing as fast to the bottom as every other broadcaster) – Apocalypse has made me rethink my chances. All I need to do, I now realise, is find an Australian cattle farmer and I’m golden.
