OH TOTTENHAM, HOW COULD YOU (PART MLVII)
The Fiver, wise beyond its beers, realised a long time ago that nothing good could come from us reaching for unattainably high standards, which is to say high standards. Pep Guardiola is not like that, and that’s his problem. The Catalan comes across as one of those perfectionists to whom the slightest flaw in his work triggers agonising reflections, leaving him Edvard Munching into the bathroom mirror, screaming like a pained circus oddity. So just imagine how Guardiola suffers from reminders that Manchester City’s bogey team are Tottenham Honking Hotspur, for goodness sake.
On Wednesday Guardiola had to watch Liverpool demolish both Leeds United and the small goal difference advantage that City had enjoyed over their closest rivals as Jürgen Klopp’s team pulled to within three points at the top of the table. But the most galling result for Guardiola came at Turf Moor, where the Ben Mee Team fought for a precious victory that underlined the absurdity of Spurs’ win at City last weekend. As the scoreline flashed up on the screen, you could easily picture Guardiola turning to his £100m gardener, Jack Grealish, and pleading with him to make it all make sense.
Of course, Guardiola was not the only manager driven to distraction after Spurs’ latest Spursiness. The London troupe’s own ringmaster, Antonio Conte, was so bewildered that he found himself questioning everything he thought he knew about himself, football and stereotypes about temperamental sorts. “No one deserves this type of situation,” whimpered Conte to English media a week after complaining that interviews translated from Italian media often tended to make him seem like a fickle galoot. “I came in to try to improve the situation in Tottenham but maybe in this moment, I don’t know, I’m not so good to improve the situation,” he continued.
“I’m trying to do everything to change the situation but the situation is not changing,” he waahed before intimating that he may be prepared to flee Spurs if something or other doesn’t change. “Someone has to speak about the race for the fourth place, and the reality from the last five games is we have to pay attention to not fight for the relegation zone. This is the truth. This is the reality. When this type of situation happens, maybe there is something wrong. I don’t want to close my eyes, I want to take my responsibility, if I have the responsibility. I am open, I am open for every decision because I want to help Tottenham. From the first day I arrived here I want to help Tottenham. I repeat: I am too honest to close my eyes and continue in this way, and also take my salary. But it’s not right in this moment.”
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It is maybe a little bit of a surprise that I have come in, but do not be put off by that. I am here for a reason: to make Bradford City a team people want to come and watch – and are proud to watch” – Ailsa from Home and Away is back, baby. Despite having never managed outside the Premier League, he takes over at Valley Parade with the team 15th in League Two.
FIVER LETTERS
“Would Danny Hylton and Cameron Jerome scoring for Luton at Stoke have the oldest combined age of any two goalscorers for a Championship side? Jerome is 35, Hylton 32, making them 67 years young. They certainly made the evening worthwhile for Mark Crowther, who’s cycling to every Luton away game this season for charity. Just the 111 miles in seven-and-a-half hours yesterday” – Yvonne Fletcher.
“As a fellow Sunderland fan, reading Matt McILraith’s comments on Meikayla Moore’s own-goal hat-trick (Tuesday’s Fiver letters) brought back, again, our similar nightmare. In 2003, Sunderland scored four goals against Charlton, yet we lost 3-1. We scored three own goals in only seven minutes. And, looking at our current position, it has gone downhill since then” – Phil Davison.
“Jack Wilshere going back to Arsenal as coach after proving himself an Aarhus legend (yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs) would surely warrant a Fiver name of Jack Wilshere’s Aarsenal?” – Gerry Rickard.
“Being from the USA! USA!! USA!!! and also being quite old and decrepit (64), I have never heard of Wolf Alice (yesterday’s last line). I have decided I kind of like them. Always come to The Fiver for the jokes (?), stay for the music recommendations” – Joe Pearson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Phil Davison.
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Fear not, Football Weekly Extra is here for you.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Uefa will move this season’s Big Cup final from St Petersburg, with an extraordinary meeting called for Friday to confirm Russia is being stripped of the showpiece following the invasion of Ukraine.
Labour MP Chris Bryant has told parliament that Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich was identified by the Home Office in 2019 as having links to the Russian state as well as to “corrupt activity and practices”, suggesting the UK should seize his assets.
Schalke will remove sponsor Gazprom from their shirts. “It will be replaced by lettering reading ‘Schalke 04’ instead,” said the Bundesliga club.
Benfica’s Roman Yaremchuk has been showing off a Ukrainian coat of arms after scoring the equaliser in their 2-2 Big Cup draw with Ajax. “This is our country, our history, our culture, our people and our borders,” he said. “I would like to thank our defenders for their courage. Glory to Ukraine.”
Manchester United are counting their Anthony Elangas again after he salvaged a 1-1 Big Cup draw at Atlético Madrid. “I told you how calm and cool I am, and whenever I am given an opportunity I want to repay the manager,” he roared. “We played without conviction, without aggression and that is why we were struggling,” wailed Ralf Rangnick.
Diogo Jota has recovered from ankle-knack but Roberto Firmino’s abductor-gah will rule him out of Liverpool’s Milk Cup final with Chelsea.
England’s Women are celebrating winning Le Arnold Clark Tournoi after beating Germany 3-1. “We got lots of information about ourselves and where we are in our style of play,” cheered coach Sarina Wiegman.
And Peterborough have appointed Grant McCann as manager for the second time, with his first match against Hull, who unceremoniously dumped him earlier this month.
STILL WANT MORE?
Is it OK to laugh at a player scoring a hat-trick of own goals? Max Rushden grapples with his conscience.
Suzanne Wrack and Louise Taylor pick over the lessons learned from England’s Arnold Clark Cup triumph.
Sid Lowe on a rare unsuccessful outing for Cristiano Ronaldo against Atlético in Big Cup.
Tom Bogert profiles Charlotte FC, the newest team in MLS.
There’s nothing wrong with grown adults wearing replica shirts, reckons John Earls.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
