Bard Billot on the Baron
Fresh Ideas
High on the twelfth floor
of his air-conditioned palace,
Baron Luxon stares down upon
the mean streets of the City of Auk.
Small fires burn as the Raiders of Ram
whoop it up in the Merchant’s Quarter.
Baron Luxon stares some more.
He scratches his nose.
There is a strange, persistent sense
of pressure building inside his head.
An inchoate concept is forming.
Like an egg hatching, a small feathery
object pops out into the world.
It is an idea.
The Baron springs into action
and summons his Grand Council,
who file into the High Hall
and tuck into some fine grapes
and Thai prawn salad with Chili
and Lime Sauce.
I’ve had a fresh idea, he says.
All is silent
apart from the crunching of Thai prawns.
It’s edgy, original and innovative,
and no one has ever thought of it before,
says the Baron confidently.
There is a long expectant silence
as the Ministers stare at
the Baron’s smooth dome in anticipation.
It’s called Get Tough On The Bandits,
says the Baron.
The Council sighs and looks around
and starts talking amongst themselves.
We could try the leg irons?
proposes beady eyed Simeon “Old Testament” Brown.
Lady Stanford faints;
and has to be revived with smelling salts.
The Baron wonders to himself if she has the stomach
to be Minister of Flayings and Spikings.
Why don’t we do the ol’ "meat tenderiser",
chuckles Sir Lancelot of Uffindell,
swinging a bed leg enthusiastically.
Press gang them into the Navy!
yells Sheriff "Ironballs" Mitchell.
The Baron looks down at the table.
I think we need to just keep it simple, he says:
Flogging, Drawing and Quartering,
and Heads on Spikes at the City Gates.
And the Grand Council breaks
into wild cheers and applause,
for a new idea like this will certainly
achieve its goal, whatever that might be.
Meanwhile, many leagues distant
from the High Hall and the leftover Thai Prawns
being emptied into the slop bin,
in the sad smoky tenements of the Land of Auk,
a dog barks, a baby cries, and by a mouldy motel,
a young bandit plays in the carpark with his toy gun.
Victor Billot has previously felt moved to compose Odes for such luminaries as the Prime Minister, Wayne Brown, Bishop Brian, and Garrick Tremain.
