The original version of Alone, a survivalist show with a large cash prize, is, of course, American. In it, a dozen or so contestants are dropped into a bear-studded and in various other ways inhospitable environment (usually the Alaskan or Canadian wilderness) and left to see who lasts longest alone (the clue is in the title).
The show is into its 10th season now. People who have spent their entire lives outdoors because they are American (and most of America, whatever their television exports tell us, is outdoors), hunt, fish, forage, build three-storey shelters with working lifts and south-facing balconies, make their own boats and in at least one case a ukulele and a football game to pass the time. The Australian version gave the US one a run for its money when it fielded a woman who had gained 19kg in preparation (contestants tend to lose at least that if they last any length of time and are often pulled out at the brink of starvation by the programme makers) before being dropped off in the Tasmanian nowhere wearing the possum-skin coat/sleeping bag she had made for herself. But now it is Britain’s turn, though the wilderness is Canadian.
Only one episode was available for review, but so far everything is going as you would expect. One person axes himself in the leg while building a shelter and has to be airlifted home before the first afternoon is over. Another looks around the acres of trees before her and wonders how she’s going to manage when “I get lost in Tesco.” And no one – with the possible exception of builder Louie and his bottom, a naked shot of which opens the programme and is the most interesting thing we see – is camera-ready.
Alone contestants are each given filming equipment and are required to record their own activities. This works very well for citizens of countries born to the media purple, such as Americans, who vividly narrate their inner lives as naturally as breathing while shooting down their dinners, or for naturally bonhomous people like the Australians, whose contestants will use impacted bowel symptoms for comedy and their last dehydrated breaths to crack a joke.
A transcript of the British episode would look roughly like this:
“Shit!”
“Fuuuuuu…”
“I’m hearing noises … Christ”
“Bollocks, I have just axed myself in the leg”
“Little bastards – fuck you.”
The last is verbatim from Louie, who unleashes one of his eight arrows at a brace of ducks so far away that Robin Hood himself would have had a job hitting them, and to no one’s surprise – especially not the unflinching ducks’ – misses.
The contestants have been on a nine-day training course but it appears that very little of it stuck. It is possible that apart from Alan, an experienced forager who is autistic and has always found solace in the peace of nature, they have never been outside before. Laura, an entrepreneur, is reduced to tears by the size of her tarp. Eva, an NHS project manager, cannot get a fire going in the first 24 hours. Elise finds the underfoot moss “A lot thicker and spikier than I expected.”
Kian is 19 and this is his first time away from home, though he has always been interested in survival skills and has read a lot of books on the subject. “But I am keenly aware of my own inexperience,” he says sweetly, which in many ways puts him ahead in the mental game at least. His choice of apparel – a bright red and yellow uniform – remains unexplained. Perhaps he’ll talk us through it once he’s settled at base camp. There may be a cheery boy’s bushcraft league in Slough that I’m unaware of. Louie is still baffled as to how he managed to miss those ducks. And possibly a little perturbed about what he is going to do for food now that he turns out not to be an Olympic-standard archer. In the end he boils some reed roots he has been told are edible. He tastes them. “Fuck me, that’s bad.”
I am making it sound a lot more fun than it is. It is an hour of people creeping cautiously through woods and startling at sounds we cannot hear. And then lying awake all night telling us how frightened they feel. It is very boring watching people be scared by noises.
Still, once the constipation, dehydration and starvation kick in, things should improve. Until then, there is still the traditional Alone viewing fun of placing bets on who will be the next to go, who is in with a chance, and who will be the underdog that has us all rooting for their successful bowel evacuation. As well as which contestant, secretly, we all hope will be eaten by a bear.
