Navigating children and a second marriage is no easy task. The kids may not always approve of the parents’ choice to remarry, while the couple might feel pressured to act in a way that’s best for their offsprings, putting their relationship on the back burner.
However, this couple behaved in the opposite way, putting their needs first and forgetting their daughter’s. This eventually led to her leaving the home because the stepfather found it hard to be around her all day. Feeling bad about this whole situation, the mother turned to the AITAH community, asking if what they did was wrong.
Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with marriage and family therapist Kathryn Gates, who kindly agreed to tell us more about prioritizing family members.
Navigating children and a second marriage can be a difficult task
Image source: Prostock-studio / envanto (not the actual photo)
For this family, matters became even more complicated after the wife found out her new husband was attracted to his step-daughter
Image credits: Teona Swift / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Monstera Production / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image source: Throwawayme4158
Psychologists say it can be healthy to prioritize one’s spouse
“The research on families indicates that the spousal unit is the most important relationship in a family system,” says family therapist Kathryn Gates to Bored Panda.
“In families where parents prioritize the relationship between each other, children have better development and success. In these families, the children (even if unconsciously) feel safe thanks to the strength of the leaders in the family being united. This is why in divorced families, when parents can remain cooperative with each other, even if only in the eyes of the children, the children have fewer problems.”
Rapid Transformational Therapy trainer Marisa Peer believes that prioritizing the relationship with a spouse also helps raise children with a stronger sense of self-worth. “Your job as a parent is to raise your child with incredibly high self-esteem,” she says. “Many parents think their job is to protect their child or give their child organic foods. All of that is important, but the self-esteem of your child is the most important.”
Licensed marriage and family therapist Charlie Bloom explains that the idea that kids should always be the top priority has gotten to the point where parents are often judged and ostracized for it. This can become harmful, causing couples to neglect their relationship and take on helicopter parenting.
It can further lead to children growing up with the expectation that the world is going to give them anything they desire, which creates a sense of entitlement. “We deal with this quite a bit because parents pick up this cultural bias toward favoring the needs of children above everyone else,” he says.
However, it’s important to keep in mind that there will be times when kids need more of their parent’s attention
However, putting your relationship needs first doesn’t mean that a parent loves their spouse more than their children. Instead, Bloom suggests, “What you’re really saying is, ‘I do love you both, but there are times when it looks to me like the best decision to make is this decision, and most of the time that decision is going to disappoint one of you. I hope you can understand when I do that it’s not because I love you any less or the other person deserves more, it’s because, in my judgment at that time, it felt like the right decision to make.’”
To avoid neglecting one part of the family, it’s important to strive for balance as much as possible. If it’s not achieved, Gates tells us that it can become harmful to every person in the household. “In unhealthy families, because of conflict between parents, one parent may form a closer relationship with one or more of the children as a sort of respite from challenges with their partner.
This lessens the strength of the spousal unit, which damages the strength and health of the entire family. With the trend of prioritizing children’s activities, safety, and schedule, this is sometimes insisted upon by the parents to be more noble: “putting the children first!” But it is actually really detrimental to the family.”
However, it’s important to keep in mind that there will be times when kids will need more of their parent’s attention. Life occasionally happens, and we can’t always predict the changes, crises, or other circumstances that will require more of our care. Some weeks, it might be about children, while others may be dedicated to work. Things shift, and that’s totally normal. Having a firm belief that the spouse or the kids should always come first can cause issues. Therefore, Peer advises, “Understanding that this fluctuates is one of the keys to having an amazing marriage.”
Trying to make everyone a priority might be overwhelming. Something that can significantly help is good communication. No one is born a mind reader, so having an honest conversation when times get tough might help solve problems as they arise. This might take some soul-searching and self-reflection, but it’s important to let them go so it doesn’t turn into resentment in the long run.
The readers’ unanimously titled the mother as wrong
