A major part of modern life, which many of us might not think about too much, is punctuality. Whether we fully realize it or not, our day-to-day lives always revolve around time, from being aware of work deadlines to ensuring we don’t miss out on meet-ups with friends and important occasions.
The reality is that some individuals struggle with punctuality far more than others. Unfortunately, even the most patient people can get fed up with having to constantly remind them to get ready for events. However, how you handle the situation can have wildly different results and affect your relationships. Case in point, one anonymous husband went viral after sharing how he decided to allow his chronically late wife to face the consequences of her actions… on her birthday. The result? A ruined event and a massive fight. Read on for the full story, as well as what the internet had to say about the charged situation. There were some very mixed reactions.
Bored Panda wanted to find out how chronic lateness can impact people’s relationships and how to interact with them in a healthy way, so we reached out to Ainsley Hawthorn, Ph.D., who shed some light on the topic. You’ll find the insights she shared with us below. Hawthorn is an author, international expert in sensory studies, and the host of The Sensory Revolution blog on Psychology Today.
A husband, tired from having to rush his chronically late wife all the time, decided to let her miss out on a birthday event she was looking forward to
Image credits: Marcus Aurelius / pexels (not the actual photo)
“AITAH for letting my chronically late wife miss an event she was looking forward to by not rushing her, because I wanted her to face consequences?”
“My wife (32F) and I (31M) have been together for 5 years. I’m fed up with my wife’s chronic lateness to many things. It’s really annoying and grates on my nerves.
To her, it seems like no big deal because I always manage to rush her by telling her the time of an event 45 minutes earlier. She’s never noticed EARLIER because she’s too caught up with herself, constantly taking photos. That’s the reason she’s always late.
She has a decent following on Instagram and is looking to grow as a “content creator.” I find it really silly how she turns everything we do into a photo session, and at this point, I’ve stopped agreeing to take her photos altogether.
We’ve had several conversations about this. I’ve told her that it’s mentally exhausting for me to always have to stay on top of making sure we both get ready according to plan. But she never really does anything to address it.
This time, I wanted her to experience the consequences of her actions. This month alone, we’ve been embarrassingly late to events 2 times, and this time was the first she realized I hadn’t been honest about the timing because I used to give her an ETA 40 minutes earlier. A week ago, I told her I wouldn’t be doing that anymore and that I expected her to act like an adult and be more responsible.
It was her birthday this weekend, and I got her tickets to an event featuring several performers, including her favorite artists in the first act.
This time, as I’d already told her before, I didn’t give her the extra 40-minute buffer. I expected her to remember our conversation and store that information in her head to plan accordingly. Instead, she did her whole influencer routine—decorating our room, setting up studio lights, dressing up, and taking photos.
The whole time, I knew she was missing out on her favorite artist because she didn’t take me seriously. It was so ironic that I didn’t even feel like reminding her. I’m done with the mental burden of always rushing and planning.
We arrived, and she realized what had happened. She got upset and started crying, asking how I could do this to her on her birthday. She said it seemed like I was liking the rise it got from her and asked why I couldn’t set my “ego” aside for one day. I told her this was on her, I’d already made it clear I wasn’t going to rush anymore, and she should have listened the first time and expected me to follow through, unlike her.
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio / pexels (not the actual photo)
She said the whole point of the event was to see the performances of those artists, who we’d just missed. She was incredibly upset and kept crying off and on during the event.
The ride home was awkward. I was in the downstairs restroom when she texted me saying I wasn’t welcome in the bedroom that night. I ignored her message and went in while she was changing. She looked like she wanted to kill me, and I simply told her that her saying I’m not welcome was irrelevant because it’s my room too. If she’s uncomfortable, she could take the couch. She ended up leaving to visit her mom, and I’m considering whether I was an a****e?”
Credits: throwrabbday
Chronic lateness can have a negative impact on your relationships
According to Hawthorn, chronic lateness can have a serious impact on a person’s relationships with their family, friends, as well as partners. “In cultures where people live by the clock, arriving late to a scheduled social event can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect, a signal that you don’t value those relationships,” she explained to Bored Panda in an email.
“People who struggle with lateness sometimes rely on loved ones to help keep them on track for events by letting them know when to start getting ready and reminding them of the current time. That can work well in some cases, but it can also come to feel like a burden for the time keeper,” Hawthorn said.
We were interested to hear Hawthorn’s thoughts on how more punctual individuals can go about interacting with chronically late people in a healthy manner. “If someone is chronically late despite making efforts to be on time, they may well be time blind, a trait associated with ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression, traumatic brain injury, and other conditions that impair executive function. People who are time blind have trouble tracking the passage of time, judging how long an activity will take to do, and predicting their future feelings and needs,” she explained.
“Although interacting with a time-blind person can be frustrating for someone who’s neurotypical, it can help to remember that they aren’t choosing to be late. They’re often genuinely struggling to perceive time, something other people take for granted. The wife in this situation clearly didn’t want to miss her own birthday celebration—her lateness in this case hurt her more than anyone else, showing that it’s a symptom of a more deep-rooted issue,” Hawthorn told us.
“Having said that, each of us is responsible for how our actions affect the people in our lives, even when those actions are influenced by neurodiversity or mental illness, and placing the burden of managing our schedules on a partner can create resentment.” According to Hawthorn, situations like this one require empathy on both sides.
“The husband needs to address his feelings of irritation by accepting that his wife isn’t doing this by choice, while his wife needs to take the lead in managing her condition so she isn’t laying that responsibility at his feet. She can implement strategies like wearing an analog watch, setting alarms, and starting a time log and seek support from a therapist who specializes in neurodiversity. If she has ADHD, stimulant medication can improve time perception,” Hawthorn shared some advice.
“Ideally, they would reach a point where she’s late less often and he’s understanding of the occasions where she’s trying her best but still ends up running behind schedule. If any tardiness whatsoever is truly a dealbreaker for him, though, they may need to reassess their compatibility for a long-term relationship.”
Image credits: Kaboompics.com / pexels (not the actual photo)
The story made a huge splash on the internet, as many people found the topic incredibly relatable
The author’s story went massively viral on Reddit. At the time of writing, it had already gotten 31k upvotes and over 9.2k comments. It was also covered by multiple outlets. All in the span of a single day.
Unfortunately, the author’s account got suspended, so we were unable to reach out to him for further comment and an update about what happened next. It’s unclear whether the couple was able to work things out, set some new healthy boundaries, and move on or if they’re still arguing.
Not all chronic lateness is malicious. That being said, it can—and often does—affect the people around you very much, from family and friends to colleagues, clients, and even complete strangers.
Unless you plan on living completely off the grid, there’s no running away from time and punctuality. (Though, even if you do end up living in a shack in the woods or a ranch in the middle of nowhere, you’d still need to be very punctual with watering your crops and feeding your barnyard animals.)
A lack of punctuality is going to have some very real, very powerful consequences. If you’re constantly late with your work, you might end up in trouble with your supervisor, lose out on raises and promotions, or even end up having to look for another job entirely.
If you can’t be on time for the concerts, shows, screenings, and events you care about, well, you’ll miss out on all the fun you could’ve had! It’s a natural consequence.
Meanwhile, if you’re chronically late to meet your friends for dinner, drinks, or what have you, it might add a lot of unnecessary friction and end up fraying the relationship. Many of us probably know at least one person in our social circle who is always massively late, no matter what we do. Eventually, you start wondering whether it’s worth inviting them to meet up at all.
If you’ve brought up the issue with your chronically late friend time and time again, but they haven’t changed their behavior, you start wondering if it’s worth broaching the topic again at all.
Unless someone faces at least some of the consequences of their lateness (or any other behavior quirk), they don’t have any real reason to change. From their perspective, everything still works out fine in the end. However, if you start (gently, politely) enforcing your boundaries to protect your own interests, they might eventually get the message. But you do have to consider the timing. Is your spouse’s birthday really the best moment to teach them a harsh lesson?
Punctuality is a sign of mutual respect in any relationship, whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial. By showing up when you’ve agreed to, you’re indicating that you value the other person’s time. The opposite also rings true, whether you’re being malicious, are simply a very busy individual, or genuinely have difficulty sensing and estimating time (one sign of ADHD in adults).
Image credits: Marcus Aurelius / pexels (not the actual photo)
It’s easy to lose track of time when you’re doing something you’re passionate about. However, you’re still responsible for being punctual
In the story author’s case, it’s likely that his wife has trouble with punctuality because she’s so focused on her content creation. It’s easy to relate to this: most of us have probably lost track of time when we’re ‘in the flow’ while doing something we’re passionate about.
At the same time, it’s unfair to expect our nearest and dearest to always pick up the burden of reminding us that we might be late. If you’re a grownup, you have to take at least some responsibility for your (lack of) punctuality. Especially if there’s a birthday concert you wouldn’t want to miss for the world.
In this day and age, there are so many ways to keep track of time that you have a ton of flexibility. For one, many of us are constantly surrounded by clocks. Even if you don’t have a wall clock or don’t wear a watch, you have a smartphone and probably use a computer for work. Those digits, the passing of time—they’re hard to ignore.
Because you have a smartphone, it’s easy to set as many alarms as you need to, in order to remind you to start getting ready, when you should leave home, etc. If that doesn’t work, you can always buy a big red old-fashioned alarm clock, like the one you’re likely to spot in kids’ cartoons.
If your chronic lateness is potentially a medical or neuroatypical issue, you’ll want to see your doctor or a mental health specialist. They can diagnose you and offer some advice on how to adapt to life in the modern world.
However, if the issue is habitual rather than medical, you’ll eventually have to make a choice. Either you start changing your routine and slowly get into the habit of being more punctual, or you live with the fact that you’re potentially harming your relationships. We know which choice we’d go for.
What would you have done if you were in the story author’s shoes, dear Pandas? Do you think what he did was justified or was it too harsh of a lesson on his spouse’s birthday? Have you ever had a partner or friends who were chronically late, all the time? What did you do? We’d love to hear your thoughts on everything. If you have a moment, swing by the comments to share yours.
Some readers sided with the husband. Here’s their perspective
A few internet users thought that everyone was at fault here
Some saw the husband’s behavior as completely inappropriate. They called him out
