People have been advised to look out for the tell-tale symptoms of monkeypox. These include fatigue, fever, chills and the sudden urge to move a piano down a flight of stairs . . .
(There’s one for the teenagers!)
I was sure I’d contracted the disease yesterday so I thought I’d better drive to the nearest hospital.
When I reached my car, however, I just jumped on the bonnet and started pulling off the windscreen wipers.
Experts say they’re not sure how monkeypox started (personally, I can’t get Michael Jackson and Bubbles the chimp out of my head).
But, as you can see from our exclusive photo, the first ever case may have been reported in the House of Commons…
The WHO have reassured the public by stating: “This isn’t Covid,” although I don’t know what makes Roger Daltrey and Pete Townsend such authorities on the subject.
Seriously, though, the very thought of something like monkeypox right after a two-year Covid pandemic is bonkers.
What on Earth can we expect next, I wonder?
Giraffepox? Expect a swollen neck.
Rhinocerospox? Those afflicted charge at jeeps.
Pandapox? I’m told this will put you off sex.
Elephantpox? Inflammation of the nose and ears.
Batpox? Ah, that explains why granny is hanging upside down in the loft.
Goldfishpox? Long-term memory loss.
Hamsterpox? Stay away from the fairground or it might take four hours to get you off the big wheel.
Armadillopox? Can’t stop singing Tony Christie’s greatest hit. At least hyenapox is nothing to worry about. You’ll be laughing about it in no time.
But what if you get chameleonpox? Will the doctor be able to see you…?
Just make sure, dear reader, you don’t contract frogpox. Get that and you’re gonna croak…
Any chance we could Challenge Anneka to get rid of monkeypox? Along with her trusty cameraman and helicopter pilot, she’s heading to Channel 5 later this year.
Back in the 80s and 90s when the show was a huge ratings hit, you may recall Ms Rice (in her colourful boiler suits) organising a party for 6000 disadvantaged children, restoring a Romanian orphanage in under a week or helping the Blood Transfusion Service by rounding up 41,000 new donors in one day.
In the new series, I can exclusively reveal she’ll attempt to get passengers on a train from Glasgow to Edinburgh after 9pm…
This carry-on with the trains is an absolute joke and my old Kirkcaldy correspondent Wee Jimmy says his Uncle Alec would be spinning in his grave.
He was a train driver for
30 years until he got the sack.
For overtaking . . .
Talking of transport issues, it has been revealed that Chancellor Rishi Sunak paid £10,000 to travel by helicopter to a Tory event in Cardiff.
Yes, we all know he’s totally out of touch with the British people but be honest, folks, if you and your other half had £730million in the bank, would YOU have got the bus?
Apart from anything else, I thought it was refreshing to see the Chancellor’s chopper hitting the headlines rather than the Prime Minister’s . . .
Textual reeling
Denise van Outen’s ex has admitted swapping up to 20 sex texts behind her back.
My immediate reaction to that story?
I was just utterly depressed that someone’s PHONE has got a better sex life than me…
P.S. Whisper it, but I had a go at phone sex a few years ago. Absolute disaster. The receiver got stuck.
Why does the sea taste funny? Ask the dolphins
Right, folks, here’s a bit of useless information: experts at the Scottish Oceans Institute have revealed that dolphins can recognise their pals just by tasting their urine.
And nope, I’m not taking the p***.
Bet you’ll now think twice before letting your weans kiss the dolphins in Florida, eh?
It’s OK to drink human urine (well, maybe not on a FIRST date) and the actress Sarah Miles famously swore by it.
Think I’d be swearing as well. “Yeuch!! Get that tae f***!!!” The nearest I’ve ever got to trying it?
Well, I once had a can of Dr Pepper.
Mick plans more of Perry Como's Magic Moments
When I saw the pics of VIP Day at the Chelsea Flower Show on Monday – with guests including Mary Berry (87) and Joan Collins (89) – it reminded me to dust down the old gag that I traditionally tell to mark the famous floral festival.
So here goes…
The opening ceremony at last year’s Chelsea Flower Show was interrupted by an 88-year-old streaker. She later won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement.
Talking of the golden oldies, Mick Jagger (78) says he could end up belting out his hits in a comfy cardigan (like Val Doonican) or sitting on a stool (like Perry Como).
Ahhh, I can almost hear him singing Gimme Sheltered Housing…
If the Rolling Stones legend fancies recording a few cover versions to suit his twilight years, how about this
little lot?
Another One Bites The Crust, We’re All Going On A Saga Holiday, Stairlift To Heaven, Hit Me With Your Walking Stick, Hippy Hippy Replacement, Twist & Gout, Staying Alive, Baby Can You Light The Fire, When I Was 64, I’ll Be Your Grey Haired Lover With Liver Pills.
Or There Ain’t No Cure For The Zimmer Time Blues, I Can See Clearly Now My Specs Have Come, You’re So Varicose Vein, These Boots Are Made For Bunions and Walk-In Bath To Happiness.
My fave funny photos of the week
1. Can’t come in today, boss, just tested positive for monkeypox.
2.. Evolution of the married man.
3. It’s bin day in Bothwell.
4. Spotted in Seville last week - Celtic boss Ange Postecoglou?
5. Is this where Jesus does his shopping?
6. A fun way to fix that unsightly stain on the office ceiling.
Text jokes of the week
This trend of idiots running on to football pitches needs to stop. It’s only a matter of time before someone does it at Pittodrie and wins Man of the Match.
Top tip: Fool your friends into thinking you use expensive butter by buying cheap marge and ripping holes in the bread.
The lassie next door to us has taken to topless sunbathing in her back garden. My wife is totally against it but I’m sitting on the fence.
The first rule of grammar? Double negatives are a no-no.
I’ve mashed up some Frosties and milk into a paste then used it to fill the gaps between my bathroom tiles. They’re grrrrrrrout!
Do you realise giraffes have no idea what farts smell like…?
Confuse Geordie physiotherapists by telling them you’ve got knee complaints.
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it. Just in case there’s a salad dressing.
Smokers please note – each time you light your lighter, your lighter gets lighter until your lighter is so light it won’t light any more.
Royals get street cred
In royal news, Charles and Camilla have agreed to guest star in a special episode of EastEnders to help commemorate the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee.
Camilla really loves her soap operas, eh?
Don’t forget, she’s played Audrey Roberts in Corrie for the past 40 years.
Meanwhile, according to reports, the Queen has eaten exactly the same sandwich every day since she was a child.
Considering she’s now 96, what feckin’ size was the sandwich?!?
And finally
I’LL never forget my grandpa’s last words. He said: “Stop shaking that ladder, you
little ****!”
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