I’ma keep it a buck fifty: dating with ADHD sucks. At least, that’s my experience. Like most people in their 20s, I have a resume of relationships that haven’t worked out. If you asked any of my exes about me, they’d likely spill so much tea about how shitty of a partner I was. And while I’m not using my ADHD as a scapegoat, it was a factor that played into me not being the partner they needed or deserved.
It turns out I’m not alone in this. Dating app Hinge recently released their Love & ADHD D.A.T.E. report, revealing that 82 per cent of ADHD Hinge daters wanted a relationship, but struggled with social interactions and emotional processing.
That’s not to say all people with ADHD will struggle in relationships and dating, but I definitely do. So, I lore-dumped on therapist, fellow ADHD brain owner, and Hinge’s Love and Connections Expert Moe Ari Brown about my shitty dating habits, and they kindly offered commentary and advice.
When she asks for attention but I am literally attention deficient
If “time is money”, then having ADHD is an in-built genetic cost-of-living crisis and an “essential purchase” is the quickest source of dopamine. It was a STRUGGLE to prioritise a relationship when my life was riddled with university, work and personal leisure.
You don’t get top 100 in Tetris without making some sacrifices.
(Original Image: u/ConnorBig)
“The simplest way to describe the neurological impact of ADHD is by thinking about rewards. ADHD causes your brain to seek tasks that immediately release the neurotransmitter dopamine into your brain, which ultimately feels rewarding,” Brown explained.
How did that translate in my relationships?
I’d often leave Ex #1 on delivered for hours because I’m playing Overwatch with the boys. I’d shoot down Ex #2’s spontaneous dates because I’m burnt out and I prefer my own in-take of dopamine. I missed out on shipping Ex #3 a birthday present because I procrastinated via my own leisure.
It was instinct to prioritise my time and attention to whatever was more stimulating, immediate and easy to focus on. Understandably this behaviour made my partners feel like their needs were neglected.
Brown strongly encourages having a calendar as a strategy to help with this. On the cost-of-living analogy, I should budget (have a calendar) to actively allocate money (time) for my treat yourself purchase (my partner). Brown also provided this handy analogy:
“ADHD is like having a bunch of applications open on your computer simultaneously. What happens when you have too many pages open on your computer at once? Your computer slows down, and your web browser might even close unexpectedly,” Brown explained, flooding the room with facts.
“When this happens, we start to feel drained and exhausted. Closing out priorities regularly is necessary to prevent moments where you need long periods of time away from people and priorities to rejuvenate.”
Me and my inability to shut the fuck up
ADHD brains have this funky thing where our executive function (such as planning ahead and impulse control) is impacted because of maturational dysregulation.
“In simple terms, individuals with ADHD may have an impulse to respond much faster than their brain comprehends the potential consequences of their actions,” Brown said.
Not going into specifics, but there have been A LOT of things I should’ve kept to myself but I blurted out without proper thought, consequentially inflicting emotional damage onto the relationship but more importantly onto her.
How many sleep deprived days have I had due to intrusive memories?!
(Original Comic: Hannah Hillman)
I am in therapy learning to manage my symptoms, but in the meantime what’s the go, Moe?
“Communicate openly about how ADHD impacts you. The more your partner knows about your symptoms, the better. Though it might not mitigate all disagreements, their understanding will help to prevent future misunderstandings that result from impulse control,” they said.
“Collaborate with your partner to create a plan to nurture the relationship when these harms happen. With any conflict, resolution is important. Getting their input and having open conversations about what you can do to heal after these moments is essential to discuss ahead of time … With any conflict, resolution is important.”
You may be thinking: “Dude, I don’t think you should even be in relationships.”
ON GOD AND FR!
(Original Meme: @vvstrentee on TikTok)
Call me Simone Biles the way I performed feats of (mental) gymnastics to justify myself committing to a relationship when I absolutely shouldn’t have. I get blinded by the amount of dopamine from the “honeymoon” phase and proceed to make the premature decision to jump into the relationship.
“As relationships mature, they come with responsibilities, challenges, and many joys, which can cause your neurological response to shift over time. Simply put, you’d potentially feel less of an immediate reward in maturing relationships versus new relationships,” Brown said.
And that’s what happened! I found myself questioning whether I actually wanted to be in a relationship with someone, or just wanted the first couple weeks of dopamine going brrrr.
“The best way to distinguish a genuine attraction from an impulsive infatuation is to watch the relationship over time. Moving too quickly can signal you’re pursuing a dopamine reward,” Brown said.
“Slowing yourself down and committing to certain boundaries around time can help you to process the relationship in real time. Taking time to process can help you assess the relationship the most accurately.”
I will take this into account in my next meet-cute! Haha jk. There won’t be a next time.
Am I dying alone or…?
Brown believes there’s hope for me. The idea behind Hinge’s Love and ADHD D.A.T.E. report is a flourishing relationship IS possible against the odds of ADHD’s challenges.
Thank u for ur help Moe Ari Brown UwU
(Image: themoeari.com)
Dating with ADHD may be hard, but it isn’t impossible. What I’ve listed today shouldn’t disqualify me from the dating game — each relationship is unique and I’m still growing.
“No one has it all figured out, and the good thing about relationships is that we create the love we want to experience. So your future relationships may need to include mutual understanding of how ADHD impacts your life and additional patience as you continue to figure out how to manage your symptoms,” Brown said.
“Remember, ADHD and your past experiences don’t have to determine the quality of your relationships or define your entire identity. With understanding, empathy and effective communication, it’s possible to build and nurture meaningful and fulfilling connections with others.”
Not gonna lie, loving someone and being loved is pretty cool — so maybe giving up on dating isn’t the play. With ADHD Awareness Month ending, I can certainly say I’m better aware of my own ADHD and how to navigate through it for whoever cupid has in-store for me.
The post ADHD Is Making Me Give Up On Dating appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .
