Someone clearly took the “if they were playing in my back garden...” quip quite literally with Beechwood Park.
The village road that winds its way to the home of Auchinleck Talbot cuts through tight rows of terraced houses, more than enough to convince the uninitiated they’ve surely taken a wrong turn were it not for the steady stream of people, most of them draped in black and gold, marching faithfully upwards.
And it’s there, glimpsing the old ground at the crest of the hill, you realise the key difference to the old saying – you'll find nobody shutting the curtains here.
Not today; not when the epicentre of the Scottish Cup fourth round becomes this tiny corner of Ayrshire.
It awaits the arrival of Heart of Midlothian, third in the Premiership with ambitions of playing European football next season.
If it’s new horizons they seek, then this 4000 capacity time capsule – big enough to house the entire population of Auchinleck with room to spare - is about as far from a top-flight footballer’s comfort zone as it’s possible to imagine.
Tynecastle has cultivated a reputation for unnervingly close contact with the crowd but compared to here, where debutant right-back Nathaniel Atkinson will soon find himself as near to the house next door’s kitchen as he will to Alex Cochrane on the opposite flank, it’s a claustrophobe’s dream.
A 500 capacity stand recalls Gala Fairydean Rovers’ famous ‘brutalist’ Netherdale home, while it's cheek by jowel on the delightfully old-school terracing that covers the remaining three sides.
Sitting high above the village, you can at once see into the homes immediately opposite and for miles over the Ayrshire hills.
It feels only right the ground takes such pride of place, given how Talbot have become the crown jewel of Auchinleck over years of unparalleled success.
Legendary manager Tommy Sloan has won seven Junior Cups, seven West Premier Division titles and counts Ayr United and Hamilton Accies among his Scottish Cup scalps.
His side sit second in this season’s West of Scotland Premier, eleven points behind Pollok but with five games in hand.
It’s the third time these teams have met in only the past 10 years but a first at Beechwood, and Hearts arrive having suffered fourth round humiliation against Highland League Brora Rangers not a year past.
I could waffle on and on about what makes this such an occasion but all you really need to grasp it is that at 10.44am there's already a queue 20 punters deep and growing outside the nearby Boswell Arms pub.
The modest size of the mini-bus parked across the road looks at odds with the number of bodies spilling off it into a chilly grey morning, a cry rising up for the stragglers among them to get a move on.
They hurry off up the hill past houses decked out in flags and scarves, one even has a wrought-iron gate fashioned into the shape of a Talbot badge.
Heading the opposite way, a police officer scoops up an empty bottle of MD 20/20 and hands it off to a colleague in a van with a shrug.
Watching it all go by is lifelong Talbot fan Stuart, whose caravan bar allows him to sip Guinness from his garden in the shadow of Beechwood while others await opening time.
“I’m born and bred in Auchinleck, 62 and I’ve seen it all, the good times and the bad times,” he says. “This is the biggest I could imagine, it’s unbelievable.”
Another lifelong follower, Jim, has family ties to the club running all the way back to 1949 when his father was a committee member.
“I left Auchinleck in 1963,” he recalls. “I used to travel from Fife, a 200-mile round trip just to see them.
“It means everything today, it’s probably the biggest game we’ve ever had, even when you think of the amount of cup finals. The place is buzzing.
“We’re in with a chance, if we do our best.”
Everyone I speak to seems to have some connection to the club, whether through player sponsorship or having friends or family who play, or used to play, for the team.
Another supporter hurries past snapping pictures, revealing they’re to be sent off to relatives in Australia.
Talbot may be the epitome of a community club but today they’re going global.
If this is all a bit misty-eyed for your taste then there’s the serious matter of a place in the last 16 up for grabs, and there's no sentiment to be found in the home dressing room come 12.30.
And why should there? Sloan’s team have hard earned a reputation for punching above their weight, a fact not lost on the Hearts fans who have made the early trip from Edinburgh.
“Nervous,” states one jittery Jambo. “I know they’re a lower league team but we don’t fare too well against them.”
Inside Beechwood, the TV cameras and big name pundits have assembled en-masse, and it’s clear if you’re a visiting supporter that such resources are not deployed in hope of a routine Hearts victory.
The potential for humiliation here is reflected in manager Robbie Neilson ’s team-sheet.
His strong selection confirms a clear show of respect and is absent only the injured John Souttar, whose potential transfer to Rangers had become somewhat of an unwelcome subplot anyway.
The teams emerge, kick-off is greeted with a roar, Hearts present Talbot with two openings in the early minutes and, all too briefly, Beechwood believes.
It proves to be an agonising false dawn.
Liam Boyce has an early goal wrongly disallowed for offside but it sets the tone for what’s to come.
Neilson will have braced his troops for battle but Talbot are surprisingly passive, retreating to the 18 yard line after that early adrenaline burst.
Their midfield three are diligent, none more so than Gareth Armstrong, but it soon becomes exhausting to watch the number seven shuffling side to side, as though being pulled back and forth on a rope by Hearts’ twin number 10s in Andy Halliday and Barrie McKay.
The two suddenly combine and Halliday heads the favourites into an ominous 14th minute lead.
A commanding cry of “higher!” bellows from the Talbot touchline – striker Bryan Boylan is so far removed from his team-mates they barely remain in the same postcode – falls on deaf ears as the home side struggle to break siege upon their goal for more than a few seconds at a time.
The brutal truth is Talbot’s knack for upsets and the romance of the occasion has perhaps glossed over the gulf in quality and the Hearts off day needed to make it a true contest never looks like materialising.
Instead, it’s the officials who have what you could only describe as a shocker.
Boyce has another legitimate goal ruled out, almost comically, for offside and a clear Craig McCracken handball in the box is missed.
Undeterred, Hearts help themselves to four more – Boyce eventually gets two before Peter Haring and Alex Cochrane pick off a tiring Talbot late on.
It ends a punishing afternoon in which they fail to lay a glove on their visitors, best summed up by Sloan rueing the fact his side were walloped 5-0 without picking up a single booking.
In a way, the result is testament to what Talbot have already achieved.
Hearts had such reverence for their past exploits they descended on Beechwood at full strength, hellbent on ensuring there was no famous scalp to be had.
“I’ve got a lot of respect for Junior football,” Halliday, whose brother plays for Neilston, insists after the Talbot faithful filter out of Beechwood.
“For me, it’s the foundation of our game.”
If the spell Sloan and his players have cast over their home patch this afternoon is any barometer, it’s a foundation that’s as strong as ever.
