Image source: shutterstock.com
As parents, we want our words to build confidence, spark motivation, and show our children how proud we are of them. But according to a leading child psychologist, some of the compliments we use most often can have the opposite effect. They may unintentionally increase pressure, create fear of failure, or even damage self-esteem over time. The good news is that with a few small shifts in how we phrase praise, we can nurture genuine confidence instead of fragile approval.
1. “You’re So Smart”
At first, this seems like the perfect compliment—but a child psychologist might point out that it can set up a fixed mindset. When kids start to believe their intelligence is a fixed trait, they can become afraid of challenges that might make them seem “less smart.” They may avoid difficult tasks altogether to protect their image. A better approach is to praise their effort and persistence instead of their intelligence. Saying “You worked really hard on that problem” teaches resilience and growth.
2. “You’re the Best at This”
Telling a child they’re “the best” can feel motivating, but it often fosters unhealthy competition. A child psychologist warns that this phrase ties self-worth to outperforming others rather than personal growth. When a child inevitably meets someone more skilled, their confidence can crumble. Try replacing it with encouragement that focuses on improvement, like “You’re getting better every time you practice.” This kind of praise encourages persistence rather than perfection.
3. “You’re So Pretty”
Compliments about appearance may seem harmless, but they can shift a child’s focus toward looks instead of character or ability. A child psychologist often cautions against making beauty the center of validation, especially for young girls. Over time, it can teach them that how they look matters more than what they do. Instead, praise traits like kindness, curiosity, or creativity to build a more balanced sense of self-worth. Children thrive when they’re valued for who they are, not how they look.
4. “You’re Such a Good Boy/Girl”
Labeling a child as “good” can seem like positive reinforcement, but it can also create confusion about behavior versus identity. A child psychologist emphasizes that this type of praise ties goodness to obedience, making children fear disapproval when they make mistakes. It teaches them to please others rather than developing internal motivation or self-control. Instead of labeling, focus on specific behaviors—say, “I appreciate how you shared your toys” or “That was kind of you to help.” Clear, behavior-based feedback guides moral growth more effectively.
5. “You’re a Natural”
Calling a child “a natural” sounds flattering, but it can discourage effort once the task becomes difficult. A child psychologist notes that when kids believe success should come easily, they might give up when they hit obstacles. This creates what’s known as “effort avoidance,” where children prefer activities that make them look talented rather than those that help them learn. Replace this with phrases that celebrate persistence, like “You really stuck with it even when it was tricky.” That kind of compliment builds lasting confidence rooted in perseverance.
6. “You’re So Polite”
It’s nice to recognize good manners, but overemphasizing politeness can make children prioritize being agreeable over expressing their needs. A child psychologist explains that some kids begin to suppress feelings or discomfort to maintain approval from adults. This can lead to challenges in setting boundaries later in life. You can still praise manners but add balance by acknowledging assertiveness or honesty. For example, “I like how you spoke respectfully while sharing your opinion” validates both kindness and confidence.
Rethinking Praise for Lasting Confidence
It’s easy to see why many well-meaning compliments backfire—they focus on results, identity, or appearance instead of process and effort. By adjusting how we praise, we help kids build inner motivation, resilience, and self-awareness. A child psychologist encourages parents to look for chances to highlight problem-solving, curiosity, and perseverance instead of perfection. The goal isn’t to stop giving compliments but to give ones that empower rather than limit. Small changes in language can lead to big shifts in confidence and emotional health.
Which of these common compliments do you think parents use most often? Share your experiences and insights in the comments below!
What to Read Next…
Unlock Better Behavior: 7 Negative Phrases Parents Should Never Use
6 Parenting Phrases Experts Say Cause Long-Term Insecurity
Don’t Do This: 5 Phrases You Say To Your Toddler Encouraging Bad Behavior
10 Parenting Phrases That Do More Harm Than Good
8 Parenting Phrases That Sound Nice But Do Lasting Damage
The post A Child Psychologist Reveals 6 Compliments That Do More Harm Than Good appeared first on Kids Ain't Cheap.
