Millions of children are from separated and divorced families – and in many cases, that means Christmas can become a battleground, as they’re caught between warring parents who want the kids to spend the festive period with them.
“Parents can sometimes use Christmas as a way of getting back at each other in having some time with the children,” says Sarah Hawkins, chief executive of National Family Mediation.
“That’s really an unfortunate position for children to be in, when they want to see both parents over that lovely Christmas period.”
So, what is the best way for separated parents to negotiate the festive period and avoid conflict, so everyone enjoys some festive cheer? Hawkins and other experts share their top advice…
1. Plan well
“Plan ahead,” advises Hawkins, who says this may mean creating a schedule and trying to agree on things in advance. “Then you’ll both know where you stand and what things you’ll be attending when you have your children, to try and avoid arguments right up to what’s supposed to be a really nice period for them.”
2. Do your best to communicate calmlyAs with most things in life, communication is key – no matter how much you dislike your ex partner.
Elizabeth Coe, chief executive of the National Association of Child Contact Centres (NACCC) points out that the charity offers a free ‘Parenting Plan Template’ on their website, to help parents navigate co-parenting effectively, focusing on the children’s wellbeing.
“Family breakdown can be deeply distressing for everyone involved, but especially for the children and young people,” says Coe. “Communication is key, and the ‘Parenting Plan’ is a useful tool which encourages respectful communication between both parents.
“Talking to each other about what would work best for the children and you over Christmas is essential,” she adds. “A pre-agreed solution helps to avoid conflict nearer the time, when emotions may be running high.”
3. Consider taking Christmas in turns
Parents might agree to take it in turns to spend the day, or the Christmas period, with their children every other year. “This enables children to experience the festivities with each parent on alternate years,” says Coe.
And Hawkins adds: “Share the Christmas period and make sure it’s fair, but also think ahead for the following year, knowing that if the child has gone to dad this year, they’re going to be with mum next year. Just make sure it’s firmly set for them, and the children know exactly what’s going on.”
4. Hold an alternate ChristmasGraham Porter, a trustee at the Association for Shared Parenting, explains that when his daughter was young, he held a second Christmas for her at his home, after she’d spent actual Christmas with her mother.
“My solution was to let the mother have a complete week at Christmas, and she regarded that as a victory,” he says.
“I then laid on a second Christmas over a week at New Year, complete with a stocking and a party. It worked very well. My daughter, who’s now 32, went to school boasting that she had two Christmases, and coping with her absence on Christmas Day was no problem – I simply looked forward to her week with me.”
5. Try to compromise
Coe says: “Making plans requires an element of compromise and we would encourage parents to think about a solution which works best for the children involved.”
However, Porter points out: “At best, the parents can agree without fuss, which is always in the best interests of the children. Sadly, of course, because of the animosity between the parties, that isn’t always possible – but they should always act in the best interests of the child.”
6. Don’t promise what you can’t give
Parents want to give their child everything they can at Christmas – perhaps sometimes to get one-up on their ex. But it’s vital to be realistic, and not to let a child think they’ll be getting or doing something you can’t actually afford/provide, stresses Hawkins.
“Avoid over-promising,” she advises. “Make those decisions between yourselves before you inform the children of exactly what’s going to be happening, so they’re not left feeling that one parent doesn’t care about them.”
7. Try family mediationHawkins says mediation works in a number of ways, including giving parents examples of scenarios, to pull them away from their own situation and help them view things as the children see them.
There’s also child-inclusive mediation, which gives children a voice and chance to speak to a mediator. “They have an opportunity to be honest and open up about the situation, and that information is fed back to the parents,” Hawkins says. “It can be really impactful for the parents when they hear what their children are going through, because a lot of the time, children just don’t feel in a position to be able to say it directly to their parents.”
8. Plan presents between you
What presents you aim to give your children needs to be included in your plan, suggests Hawkins. She says parents need to decide between themselves if they’re still going to give presents together, or if they’re going to set a spending limit.
“Make sure it’s all about communication around Christmas,” she stresses. “Parents do use the present buying as a way to gain favour, but in the long-run, that’s not helpful to the child. You need to be thinking about boundaries and making sure your children know exactly what things are worth and are aware, where possible, that you’re still co-parenting.”
9. Don’t make the children go to two Christmas dinners
Hawkins says children from separated families having two dinners on Christmas Day happens a lot. “That’s usually where we would push the parents to sit down and think about the impact it’s had on their child, and then consider mediation so it doesn’t happen again,” she says.
“The feedback we get from parents that have been through mediation is it calms everything down, and they see how settled their children are. It’s all about thinking about your children and knowing when to ask for help.”
