There are plenty of words to describe the 21st-century dating scene. Hilarious, awkward, exhausting, painful, headache-inducing, depressing, cursed, and sometimes even horror-movie-worthy certainly come to mind.
“You’re just searching in the wrong places!” you might say. Then, by all means, if you’ve got better spots, let us know! Because if you’re not convinced that modern romance is a battlefield, just take a peek at these conversations from real dates shared by the Instagram account ‘Overheard Dating.’ They’re… well, just scroll down and see for yourself!
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With over 386K followers on Instagram, ‘Overheard Dating’ collects interactions people have eavesdropped on or experienced online. And since the submissions are anonymous, it keeps things light-hearted and guilt-free.
“Dating is like a rollercoaster,” the Overheard HQ says on its website. “Sometimes it’s fun, other times you are left crying, screaming, throwing up in public. Some people fall in love, others send us dating app conversations that will make you want to launch yourself into the sun. Ah, romance!”
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Overheard HQ also runs accounts that capture everyday conversations from cities like London and LA, covering more than just dating talk. They describe themselves as “the social-first public service organization with an ear for city life and local culture.”
“The first eavesdropper was a social-climbing Neanderthal who overheard where the best overpriced berries could be gathered. Renaissance artists shared marketplace banter on frescoes, which townspeople would tap twice to ‘like’. By the 1930s, walls were made thinner to bring overhearing to the people. Overheard continues this rich history of overhearing in our society, getting all up in other peoples’ business for the future of humankind,” the organization proudly and wittily states.
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But let’s get back to the topic of modern love—is it really that bad? According to the Pew Research Center, it might be. Their 2020 survey found that nearly half of Americans believe dating is harder now than it was ten years ago.
Of those who feel dating has become more challenging, 21% point to increased risks, including both physical dangers and the risk of being scammed or lied to. Others cite reasons like the impact of technology (12%), dating becoming more impersonal (10%), the rise of casual relationships (9%), and changing societal expectations around morals or gender roles (8%).
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A significant part of dating today takes place online, and for many, this brings its own set of challenges and frustrations. A 2022 U.S. study revealed that four in five adults experienced some level of emotional fatigue from using dating apps. Similarly, research from Hinge found that 61% of their users describe the dating process as “overwhelming.”
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“Dating apps changed the digital dating landscape due to the collection of convenient features they brought to the table, which I have called ‘intimacies of convenience,’” explains Dr Rachel Katz, a digital media sociologist at the University of Salford, in an article for Vice. “They are often image-based, mobile, geolocative, use a swiping mechanism, and have a ‘consent to chat’ feature. People had an active role in choosing who they wanted to match with.”
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“People like the convenience these features enable,” adds Katz. “But at the same time, this convenience can also bring negative experiences: transactional language, ghosting and objectifying language. Moreover, there are fewer social ramifications to these behaviours on dating apps compared to real-life interactions—it’s possible that repeated negative experiences might lead to dating app fatigue.”
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One tricky part of trying to find a spark online is that it’s hard to form a meaningful connection through a screen, especially when you’re not fully sure of the other person’s intentions.
“Dating apps make initial matches text-based,” says psychotherapist and couples’ counselor Hilda Burke. “In his book Silent Messages, Professor Albert Mehrabian developed the theory that only 7 percent of meaning is communicated through what we say: 38 percent is through tone of voice, 55 percent is through body language. We are so text dependent on dating apps, we’re only getting about 7 percent of what that person means. It allows for ambiguity to develop.”
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Another unfortunate part of today’s dating scene is how ghosting has become a common and accepted practice. It can happen in the middle of yet another chat on a dating app, or even after spending months with someone, only to suddenly find yourself blocked on social media. A study by the University of Georgia last year revealed that two out of three people have both ghosted someone and experienced being ghosted themselves.
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“People that ‘ghost’ are too afraid or too rude to address their own feelings of discomfort,” says Dr. Tirrell Degannes, Psy.D, licensed clinical psychologist in New York City. “You don’t want to be with someone that cannot comfortably address their feelings anyway; you’re better off not hearing from them. Letting go of hard feelings means appreciating the nuances that separate them from those you clearly dislike.”
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When it comes to dealing with the ups and downs of dating, the Thriving Center Of Psych suggests that embracing these difficulties is part of the journey and can help you move forward. “Finding someone to date, opening up, and having a spark is hard, and that’s just the first part of dating. You then want to agree on important things and figure out if they are someone you can see yourself being with,” they explain. “Dating is so hard, and there are obstacles. But there’s no need to rush. Take your time, do something you enjoy, and learn to open up so that you’re ready to have an honest conversation when the time arises.”
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