Relationships aren't perfect; what's more, the people in them are far from perfect too. We all have bad habits and personality faults. However, what to one person might seem like a minor issue, can be a sign of actually abusive behavior.
According to the U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline, over one in three women and one in four men have experienced abuse by an intimate partner. We don't always spot the signs in time, but there actually are some.
Recently, people online have been sharing what red flags they ignored in past relationships. When u/HappyHappyJoyJoy44 asked other netizens, "What was the first red flag you ignored in your worst relationship?", many people shared some heavy experiences.
#1
He threw an absolute fit at the quality of hummus in a Lebanese restaurant. Like, threw food around the table, yelled at the poor waitress, then stormed out without paying. Then we went to a pub and he was asked to take off his hat AND OH DEAR LORD was that a mistake.
I was recovering from an abusive relationship so this guy was...differently bad...which was apparently OK?
I eventually had to block him (and his many, many alts) after he accused me of abuse and threatened to call the police. He had read The Ethical S**t and decided that he was poly and that I had 'abused' him through mutually agreeable monogamy.
I now have a good therapist and self esteem.
Image credits: nabbitnabbitnabbit
#2
It was a very short relationship, but early early on we were at his folks and standing around the kitchen. His dad was headed to the store he asked his dad what he was going to the store for and his dad was like “oh some things, milk, bread, I’ll probably pick up something for dinner” in the most average and normal tone of voice. I nod. The guy I was seeing explodes and goes “I was just asking!!!!”. My head spun around. I was so confused. How could anyone have interpreted his dad’s calm nonchalant grocery list as a personal attack.
In hindsight how unphased his dad seemed should have indicated this wasn’t a rare occurrence….
#3
When his football team lost so he went into the kitchen and smashed every glass on the floor.
Image credits: Drynapples
#4
Rage. Sudden outburst of rage.
Financial_Neck832: This was a red flag I ignored, too. 'He had a bad day,' or 'Wow, he hates this person & is so angry, this person must've wounded him deeply.' "
Nope, he was just an abusive narcissist. He liked getting angry, hurting others, and making people afraid. It was how he controlled people and situations so everything would go his way.
I'm glad I got the hell outta that marriage. Steer clear of ragers, it's not a phase.
Image credits: Strike_Anywhere_1
#5
He told me his previous exes found each other and formed a support group ?.
#6
Mine happened on the very first date. He said he was late because he was having trouble finding parking. He later told me he actually walked to the place from his nearby apartment. Sure, we all make innocuous white lies, but all he did was lie the entire relationship.
Image credits: HappyHappyJoyJoy44
#7
His friends kicked me out of a road trip because he didn’t tell them I was coming. He didn’t stand up for me and left on the road trip anyways.
Image credits: ckp010
#8
When I met his friends they all told me I could do so much better. If he was genuinely a good guy his buddies wouldn’t be trying to give me a heads up.
He turned into a serial cheater and gas lighter. It was always everyone else’s fault and not his and everyone just made up lies about him “just because.”.
Image credits: WavyTexan
#9
Dismissive comments about my interests seemed minor until they became a pattern.
MrGrumplestiltskin: Yes, this one! I wore dresses a lot and like the color pink. I was always told that was "too girly" (even though I'm a girl, I was meant to think badly about liking this color). I started dating a high school best friend and he told me "I don't like cute things" while also telling me how cute he thought I was and how he liked bending down to kiss me. It was confusing. He didn't like girls who wore dresses or hyperfeminine (which I am both). He didn't like being romantic and made fun of me when I kept flowers he gifted me. Being dismissive or even ridiculing things is such a huge red flag.
Image credits: ElegantMia
#10
Everything I liked and enjoyed he would make fun of me and take the p**s. I was young (18/19) and had never had a relationship before. I was very much in love with him too. I felt like I was sad and pathetic. So I stopped doing what I loved and wouldn’t tell him anything.
I’m 29 now, and never been in another relationship as it seriously changed me. I’m getting back to myself. I know 10 years is a long time but, I’m accepting that now. I now do what I love. I read, I write, I paint, I water colour. I am happy and content again. I feel like I’ve got myself back. It took years for me to accept myself again because of this boy.
(I remember he made me go on a d***s run, because he said “no one will think you have anything and you’ll be fine, just go get it and come to my work” when I did that for him he said ‘thank god you’re a f*****g nerd’ … I was stupid and stayed with him. He used to cry after sex and say how good I was & I used to be so confused. He ended it by cheating on me and telling me ‘you look nothing like the girls I wanna f**k at work’
It changed me. I’m now a single 29 year old trying to get by life and regain myself and my happiness.
Image credits: Desperate_Divide6354
#11
He threw a bottle of beer at me so hard and fast the bottle cap stuck in the wall. I should have left and never gone back. Yes it got worse, yes I got out eventually.
Image credits: allypallyplaytime
#12
She literally tried to break up with me and told me she was bad for me and I convinced her she wasn’t. Turns out she was right. I was in that relationship for 6 years and married her. Most traumatic relationship of my life and took years of therapy to undo the damage. People will tell you who they are in many ways and you need to listen.
Image credits: Kaystew666
#13
Relentless pursuit after I rejected him. We are taught to think that pursuit means they are interested in us and that it’s romantic to be chased. But really, it’s a red flag that highlights their inability to respect the word “no”.
After 5 years of an emotionally abusive relationship, I always paid attention to that.
#14
Honestly I think I was the problem in my early relationships. I grew up with an abusive mom who told me she should have aborted me. And I think that f****d me up for a long time and I wasn't the best partner. Or the best version of me. I didn't purposefully hurt anyone but I can't say I didn't.
#15
His parents kept telling me that “You do know he has anger issues, right??” And my dumb a*s was like “It’s OK! I love him!”
Those anger issues were a huge part of our ultimate breakup. When someone’s family members warn you about their negative qualities (barring unusual circumstances, like toxicity within the family), LISTEN TO THEM.
#16
The first red flag was that they rejected my feelings and concerns. I should've paid more attention to that.
Image credits: Mental_Gift_8997
#17
People would give me a weird look when I told them who I was dating, and ask why. They’d say he had a reputation for being an a*****e, but hey maybe he’s different once you get to know him. Turns out he was, in fact, an a*****e.
Willing-Hour3643: That she didn't get along with anybody. She was an argumentative and controlling person in all of her personal relationships."
I ignored all that and thought she'd change but after I was with her, I saw that she blamed everyone for her own shortcomings and had anger issues and mental issues and refused to get help
Image credits: GlamSpam
#18
Dismissed their constant need to control everything as just “being protective”.
Image credits: SmallHazel
#19
He was so sweet and shy when we met. When he told me his doctor diagnosed him as a sociopath. I was like "aww no youre not". Anyways, it wasnt long after that he started beating me. He was in fact, a sociopath, and he literally told me but my dumb a*s was like, nah.
#20
Oof… I ignored a lot.
1. Him admitting he cheated on his ex multiple times.
2. Having a lot of girls on his snap/social media.
3. Finding hair ties/girl items in his room around the time we became official.
4. Love-bombing
5. Flirty with other women. Teetering on the boundary between friendship and inappropriate.
Image credits: Numerous_Leading_544
#21
Being told he'd worried I wouldn't be 'intellectual' enough for him, but not to worry, because I'd passed.
First thought at the time was "bell-end". Definitely should've trusted those instincts...
Image credits: MelonBump
#22
Even though they were 'too busy' to respond to texts, they managed to spend the entire day posting on social media.
notSanii: Dude, this annoys me to my core. Most recently, a guy I was talking to used to run Call of Duty with me all the time, and now when I ask to chill and game he says he’s too tired for games. An hour later I see that he’s gaming with his friends.
His excuse: 'they asked me.' Man, it’s all BS. Just say you don’t care to hang out anymore. Same with the social media thing, they simply don’t care to talk anymore.
Image credits: imurdigigirlfriend
#23
It wasn’t one red flag, it was red bunting. She basically told me the story of how she screwed over every boyfriend she’d ever had (and there were a lot). I finally realised these were a warning but she’d shredded my heart and set fire to the pieces by then.
Image credits: NotoriousREV
#24
He was a mama's boy. Girl, no matter what... they never change and you'll never be first ??♀️
PD: And he'll cheat on you because the only person he needs to be loyal to is his mom ?.
Image credits: Fantastic_Photo_8660
#25
So many! I feel like an idiot thinking back.
But the biggest one: he kept saying ¨Im not good at relationships¨
plot twist, he wasnt
insert shocked pikachu face.
Image credits: Extension_Lack194
#26
My (36f) first month with my last bf, I had plans to go to the Renaissance fair with some friends and invited him but he had to work. he acted super pissed the night before that I was still going without him. then the next morning he called me saying he was having a stroke (42m, smoker) and I was like omg call 911, I’m omw to your apartment.
he says no, don’t come over. so I wait. he calls me from the hospital (that he drove to!) 30 min later and says his brother met him there. at this point it’s clear it wasn’t a stroke, and I say can I come meet you, which hospital. he says no.
so I take my friends to the Ren fair and text and call to check on him. he ends up flipping out on me saying I should never have gone since he was in the hospital. I just thought since we had only been dating a month, and his family was there, and he wouldn’t cooperate in telling me which hospital to go to, or where to meet him to see him, AND HE WAS FINE, I didn’t think cancelling my plan was appropriate, or even what he wanted.
This set the stage for the rest of the relationship. He would never admit to what he wanted or needed, and actually would tell me the opposite of what he needed, sincerely, even when I said ah but let me take care of you! or whatever. Histrionic displays and tantrums are a big red flag and you need to leave immediately.
It ended in him almost killing me during a tantrum on a camping trip two years later. They do not change for you, once you show them you’ll stay through their bad behavior.
#27
She gave away her dog of six years because he got sick (before I met her). Didn’t really stop and think how insanely f****d up that is. Makes me hate her thinking about it.
#28
A real pattern of stories in which they were always the victim, with no apparent introspection / admission around their own role in any given issue or situation. And wouldn’t you know it….
#29
Intense jealousy of my daughter being in my life.
#30
When they brushed off my boundaries like they were suggestions.
mariana96as: I should’ve known my ex didn’t know what boundaries are when I saw that his parents have two toilets facing each other in their bathroom. The whole family is insane
No__direction: Mine didn’t even have a bathroom door. Just a curtain. They removed the door! No knocking either. They’d look through the curtain, stair for a long moment the say 'hurry up' or walk away with an irritated vibe.
Boundaries did not exist in that house. Everything was everyone’s business… even my sister’s monthly cycle
Image credits: SnowyShoreline09
#31
Lack of car for his younger brother. first time i slept over and we went to pick up breakfast for us and his younger brother. we didn’t realize they messed up his brother’s order (they legit gave us an untoasted mcmuffin, nothing else). it was literally a 2 min drive so i insisted we go back quickly as we just pulled into the driveway. he refused, didnt even offer to give his younger brother his order instead and got mad when i offered mine up. told his brother to deal with it and i got in MY car and drove to get the right order for his brother. i didnt mind as it was a 2 minute drive and i didnt want him eating a plain untoasted mcmuffin, plus we were left to take care of him since their parents were out of town for business.
Image credits: livelaughshop
#32
Started seeing a 40F who accused every partner she's had since she was a freshman in high school of being abusive & controlling (including, eventually, both me and the guy she left me for)
One is unfortunate. Two or three means maybe some therapy is in order. Fifteen to twenty means you might be projecting a little bit (spoiler: she was abusive and controlling).
#33
Flakiness and excuses.
Say_Fellas: Second this. The flakiness. Saying they’ll do something then forgetting about it. Cheap words that get your hopes high with nothing to show at the end of it. Not just a few times but Again and Again until you realise it is who they are.
Image credits: Extension_Lack194
#34
The first time I saw my ex acting upset snapping at his roommate while making dinner, I gently laid my hand on his arm and asked "Is something wrong?" He yelled "IM FINE" and kept yelling at me all night, angry at me for "prying". Turns out he would treat me like this every time he was upset for the next few years.
#35
I just broke up with someone who would belittle my hobbies and interests at any given opportunity I’m sorry I hope you find someone who appreciates you.
Its_Curse: This exactly. About two weeks into the relationship he spent 30 minutes telling me how sh**ty and absolute garbage he thought my favorite band was. I got upset and he said 'Well I'm not making fun of you, just this sh*t band.'
He then proceeded to mock me for literally everything I liked and did for the next two years. My taste in music, my favorite shows, my hobbies, what I liked to eat, what I read, what I wore, my friends, my family. He once literally turned me picking a bagel for breakfast into a screaming match about how I only eat gross sh*t and how I do it on purpose to upset him (I had no idea he didn't like bagels???).
It turns out it was never about the bagel or the music. He was just a controlling and abusive nightmare and was taking his bad day out on me. I left him after he physically assaulted me. I wish my self esteem had been good enough for me to get out of there sooner. I still have CPTSD over it all.
anxiousBarnes: And of course their hobbies are so much more important than yours. I hate that so much. Used to be with a guy who liked 'educational' passtimes like learning new languages and playing instruments and bs like that (all stuff his parents forced into him from a young age) so of course me wanting to read comics and take hip hop dance classes for fun was obviously just absurd and beneath him.
Image credits: ShoesOverboard
#36
The age gap. I was very newly 18, she was 31.
Image credits: Scarecrowqueen
#37
Caught him in a lie...but let it go. Im stupid.
Image credits: Puzzleheaded_Gap8804
#38
He was rude (verbally abusive) towards his mum over something minor. Didn’t take him long to treat me the same over minor things, only even worse. .
#39
The fact that he only seemed to show love or affection through gifts/financial things.
Turns out the entire relationship was based around manipulation, financial abuse, and control. Took a lot of work to unfuck that situation.
#40
On the first date she said "I'm kind of obsessive"
She then proceeded to stalk me for a year after I broke up with her. Fortunately, we were both in the military, and she transferred to another command eventually.
#41
He constantly talked down about other women. He would comment on their weight, the clothes they wore, would criticize their tattoos, literally anythinggggg and as time went on I was no different when it came to facing his ridicule. Learned a difficult and forever life altering lesson with him.
#42
Didn't want to spend his free time with me.
Image credits: merri_is_ok
#43
She got upset with me because I didn't ask her if she wanted to drive. It was my car.
#44
The first night we had sex I spent the night at his apartment. In the morning we were laying in bed naked and his doorbell rings. It was his ex-wife and his 4 year old daughter. He had “forgotten” that he was watching her for the morning. I literally grabbed my clothes and hid in his closet until his ex left. Then he plopped his daughter in front of the tv and snuck me out the door behind her.
Oh, he was also broke and turned out to be an alcoholic.
#45
‘Concerns’ that are subtly manipulative so that it will guilt trip you into doing what he wants you to do
Example, don’t accept the overseas scholarship because you will not be able to afford living there or have me around for support. It translated into please don’t go away from me because I am afraid you will find someone else better than me.
#46
He had a back up girl incase i said no to being his girlfriend… we were together for over a year after that, not my proudest moment.
#47
He was 22 and I was a known 16 yr old technically homeless girl (living in condemned housing). .
#48
Not wanting to talk about anything serious 99% of the time.
#49
That she didn't get along with anybody. She was an argumentative and controlling person in all of her personal relationships. I ignored all that and thought she'd change but after I was with her, I saw that she blamed everyone for her own shortcomings and had anger issues and mental issues and refused to get help.
Image credits: Willing-Hour3643
#50
She used to open sandwiches and remove anything she don't like, then tried to do the same thing to me...
