We've asked an expert to break down the six most common arguments adult children have with their parents and got their advice on how to best handle the heated conversations.
Arguments are a normal, natural part of any relationship. Whether you butt heads with a friend, argue with a partner, or, especially as you get older, find yourself in heated discussion with a parent, you're going to have disagreements with many people from time to time.
According to experts, arguments between adult children and their parents are especially common thanks to the child's inherent wish to carve out their own path away from their parents' rules and opinions, establishing their independence. These lead to many arguments but there are six common ones that experts speaking to HuffPost believe are universal.
- “There are things we have to address from my childhood.”
- “We need better boundaries.”
- “Can you stop questioning my parenting decisions?”
- “Why don’t you support my relationship?”
- “Whether or not I get married or have kids, I need you to respect my choices.”
- “Stop lecturing me on my career.”
But why are these arguments in particular the ones so many adult children bring up? According to clinical psychologist Dr. Daniel Glazer, co-founder of US Therapy Rooms, "These points of contention between parents and their adult children highlight some of the real core challenges in the transition of the parent-child relationship.
"What was once a hierarchical dynamic of a parent as an authority figure over a dependent child must evolve into a relationship between two autonomous adults. This profound shift is easier said than done," he explains.
Dr Glazer points out that, at the heart of all these conflicts, is the adult child's need for independence from their parents' long-standing influence. Of course, he says, the parent rightfully and innocently wants to impart wisdom or uphold the familiar family paradigms they've created. But, he says, "The childhood roles become murky and the adult child no longer wishes to be lectured to or controlled, while the parents struggle to relate to their offspring as a true peer.
"Take the example of an adult child wanting to revisit painful childhood experiences. The parents' instinct may be dismissiveness or defensiveness, as confronting their own lapses as parents can induce shame and guilt. Yet stonewalling shuts down the possibility for understanding and healing on both sides. "Or look at the impasse over grandparenting decisions. The parents likely believe their battle-tested practices were effective, while the adult child wants to forge their own path shaped by modern perspectives. Unsolicited criticism easily morphs into control issues and power struggles." But there is a way to move forward from these arguments - though it will take hard work. Dr Glazer shares his three tips for better handling the conversations.
- Empathic listening will build mutual understanding, clear communication of boundaries and needs, and help re-calibrate the relationship. During this transition, parents must recognise their children's autonomy while kids need to exercise patience for the adjustment.
- Learn how to gracefully disagree and let go of rigid expectations about how things 'should' be. It's all too easy to get caught up in power struggles and ego wars when viewpoints clash. But with a little more self-awareness from both sides, a genuine effort to understand each other's perspectives, and a willingness to accept that you can have different values or make different choices while still respecting one another, these tensions don't have to blow up into epic battles.
- Build a foundation of care and respect that's too precious to sacrifice over petty disagreements. What most of us truly want is a relationship grounded in goodwill, compassion, and mutual appreciation - even if we can't always see eye-to-eye.
It's inevitable that relationships will change when a child grows up into an adult but there is plenty of advice out there to help navigate that transition. From the six phrases adult children need to hear from their parents to ‘acknowledge past pain’ to the insight of adult children of divorce who shared what they wish they could tell their parents now, we've got you covered.
