Name: The world’s most expensive knickers.
Cost: $5,600 (about £4,600).
Appearance: A tiny genital glitter ball that costs as much as a cheap secondhand car.
The optimist in me hopes you have misplaced a comma. Sadly not. The Italian fashion brand Miu Miu really has just launched a pair of knickers that cost £4.5k.
Seems a bit steep. It is about the same amount the average Briton spends on food in a year. If you earn the average UK salary, you would have to work for more than seven weeks to afford a pair of these knickers.
They must be pretty amazing. Let me ask you a question: are you a fan of almost immeasurable discomfort?
As a matter of fact, I am. Then these pants are a bargain! They are made of silk-lined wool, but they are covered in sequins, making them perfect for objectionably wealthy extroverts with a fondness for being incredibly itchy.
They look a bit warm too. As one Instagram commenter succinctly put it, these pants are “the most expensive yeast infection you can get”.
But why? I don’t think these knickers are supposed to be worn as knickers. They are underwear as outerwear, designed for people who are desperate to be looked at, even if the most common response they receive comes in the form of concern for the location of their trousers.
Well, this is a shame. I’m a wealthy knicker fanatic, but these are just too silly. I’m afraid your options are limited, in that case. Net-a-Porter sells a pair of laser-cut Alaïa knickers for £610, but you could buy seven-and-a-half pairs of those for the same amount as some glittery Miu Mius, so in that regard they are terribly common.
You can’t say I didn’t try. Wait! You could attempt to get your hands on the see-through dress that the then Kate Middleton wore at a St Andrews fashion show in 2002. In 2011, it sold at auction for £78,000. You can see knickers through it – does that count?
Unfortunately not. Knickers only, I’m afraid. Well, maybe you should try investing in Queen Victoria’s bloomers. In 2014, a hand-stitched pair sold at auction for £6,200. A year later, a pair sold for £12,090. They had a 45in (114cm) waist, so they are probably quite comfortable too.
I hate comfort, remember? Then it looks as if you’ll be shelling out on glittery Miu Mius. May God have mercy on your privates.
Do say: “The shimmering look of these panties meets Miu Miu’s provocative attitude” (according to its website).
Don’t say: “Alternatively, you could get a Pritt glue stick and some sequins online for about three quid.”
