A 45-year-old woman said her in-laws asked her and her husband to pay for their retirement home. She said the request felt unfair because the couple had already supported their younger son with major financial help while offering nothing to her family.
She shared the situation in a post on the r/AmITheA**Hole subreddit, outlining concerns about future costs, her children's needs, and the expectations being placed on them.
The original poster wrote that she and her husband moved away 15 years ago and built stability with help from her parents. She said they now have two children on the spectrum and managed daily care, homeschooling and medical appointments, while her husband grew his business.
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Money Expectations Create Friction
The OP said the in-laws actually own two houses — one they live in and another they previously built for the younger son. She wrote the couple, both 65, want to keep their house for their younger son instead of using it to pay for the retirement home.
"They already gave the brother one house and nothing to us," she said, adding that the same imbalance was now shaping the retirement request.
The OP added that the younger son "will quickly sell their house" once they relocate, leaving no option for them to return and placing responsibility on her and her husband for what she estimated could be the next 20 years.
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She also wrote that her parents contributed over $500,000 across 15 years to help them build a stable life, which makes the in-laws' request feel unbalanced. One commenter responded, "Not the a** hole and this is a hill to die on," urging the husband to address the issue with his parents.
Another commenter wrote, "Hubby needs boundaries and to put his wife and kids first," pointing to the financial pressure the couple could face if they agree to the arrangement.
Costs Add Pressure
The OP wrote that her in-laws want a retirement setup where meals, cleaning, and daily tasks are handled for them. One commenter said facilities offering those services "can run anywhere from $3000–$6000 a month or more" in the U.S. and added that "they are not covered by Medicare or Medicaid."
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The commenter also said families can face "a bill of up to $72,000 a year," depending on the level of service provided.
Several commenters responded with concerns about long-term affordability and competing family needs. Another user wrote, "Husband needs to understand that paying for their retirement will not make his parents love him," referencing the emotional pressure the husband may feel.
The OP wrote that her children might need financial support throughout their lives, and adding her in-laws' housing costs could change how she prepares for their future care.
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