The term "incel" is short for "involuntary celibate." In its most basic form, it describes someone, usually a man, who is tired of their lack of sexual experiences and blames the subjects of their desires, most often women, for their frustration.
Reddit user BlueFruitJam wanted to know how to spot these people in the wild, so they asked other platform users to share the telltale signs that would suggest a person belongs to this infamous group.
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He's an incel if...
He thinks insulting or patronising you is a valid way to flirt, i.e. "negging" to assert their dominance.
He admires Andrew Tate and other incel-ebrities like that.
He tries to tell you that the real problem in the world is feminism, and women need to "get over it because gender inequality doesn't exist - in fact, men actually have it WORSE now because they can be falsely accused of r**e at any second."
Also if he tries to mansplain what women are "reaaally like" to you, a woman.
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It’s what they say. Common phrases include: “My biggest fear is that tonight we have sex and tomorrow you accuse me of r**e” “There is no such thing as equality” “Women only want xyz and that’s why no one will f**k me” “I don’t date because I’m not a free meal” “Sorry not sorry. I’m a guy and I’m gonna talk about have sex with you.” In my experience.
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If they’re obsessed with Jordan Peterson and Joe Rogan, that’s a dealbreaker ladies.
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This guy referred to our society as a gynocracy. That counts, right?
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Telling you about women rather than asking you about yourself as a woman.
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“I’m a nice guy but girls only want toxic f**k boys” mentality.
Using “female” to talk about women The way they treat their mom, act like she’s their personal servant Always mad about female lead movies (captain marvel and such) for no reason (their actually is one: women) Honestly some media/video game are a red flag, American psycho and such. And like yes, I’m aware, not every guy who plays league is a nasty incel, I’m a non binary angry “”blue haired”” feminist, I play league, my partner is feminist too, been playing a ton for 10 years. Honestly generally bring up how you’re feminist, or feminism generally and see how they react “feminist nowdays are extremist, their is nothing left to fight about, we already have equality, they just don’t want men to pull etc…” Andrew Tate, for obvious reasons, they’re more discreet about it now tho, so his mentality and lingo are generally a red flag Set a boundary, it doesn’t matter which one, if they do anything but agree, if they start arguing ?? (and depending on the boundary ??) When they make generalization about women, what they like and don’t like, what they want and don’t want. Their are a lot of other signs, generally keeping up with what’s going on in the incel world can be helpful, it’s a whole other time line, they regularly find a new thing to be mad about, a new famous women to harrass, a new « podcaster » they surrender their soul to etc… like a few weeks ago, saying « have you seen she hulk, that last episode was rly nice! » would’ve been a good question, because incel respond with disproportionate hate to those, screaming, crying, punching air, normal people that didn’t like stuff say « I didn’t rly like it, the cgi was off bla bla bla movie stuff… » Generally disproportionate responses to stuff that once in forever, where about women, and not men.
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If they’re from a Western country like the US but complain about women in their country being too independent. And if they talk about wanting to date women from somewhere like Eastern Europe, Asia or South America because they’re supposedly more submissive and treat men better. Bonus points if they’re over 30 and only attracted to very young women and don’t like women their age.When he is unable to interact with a woman as a person. There is only sexualization and weird devotion or blatant hate and misogyny.It's really hard for them to hide it because they reveal how they view women without even realizing it. When they see us as vending machines where they put in surface-level "niceness" and/or money and get sex in return, it becomes obvious pretty quickly. They genuinely don't see us as people.When they hate everything about women but still want to date them.Weirdly negative of the women in their life. Act like women's lives are easier. Are mean or dismissive to women they're not attracted to, but uncomfortably nice to one's they are. Weirdly s****y towards "attractive" men. Has a complex about his height or some similar feature. Just generally treats women like alien creatures. Jokes about rape and gets offended when told to stop. Gets offended by boundaries in general. Believes false rape accusations are common. Talks excessively about "pretty privilege" while being weirdly silent about racism, sexism, ect. Fishes for physical insults.
I'm sure I'm missing some and many of these aren't diagnostic alone, but they're a really good starting place.If some news comes out about a woman being assaulted by a man, and they immediately decide to defend the guy, and look for reasons to not believe the woman.Without being too snarky about it, it's probably hard to spot one irl. First, they tend to be heavily online, at the expense of being out and socializing (hence why they're often told to "touch grass").
Secondly, when they do have to interact with other people, they don't tend to be as obnoxiously racist, misogynistic, and generally horrible as they are in their echo spaces online. Incels aren't unique in this; most people with extreme views are usually at least partly tempered in their day-to-day in-person interactions, compared to their online personas.Referring to women as females or toids or whatever weird name they have come up with.Listen to how they talk about women, and ask them why they just don't date what they're not afraid of. The blinks and walkbalks following are the tell.
"Well women are all golddiggers and only want me for my money!"
"They why don't you date someone richer than you? Lots of lawyers around."
*blinkblink" "Uh... uhhhh....."
Next will come a cascade of their own insecurities. This will make them so uncomfortable they won't want to talk with you again. Job done.Anyone who talks about or refers to an “alpha vs beta male” ideology. might not be an incel, but it’s probable.
anyone who whines about what women like and how they do or do not fit the bill
anyone who decides they know how a woman should or shouldn’t behave in any sense.Refers to women as females and constantly plays the victim. Bonus if he keeps on talking what a gentleman he is and how women only want a******s."all my exes are insane"
What's the common thread here? Could it be you? Why are all the women you get close to driven to madness?There was a man on the subway yesterday who was yelling at me that he was upset that “everyone is gay” because it meant nobody would have sex with him. He proceeded to call me a b*tch and talk about how he “deserved pussy” and was angry that no one would boink him… like maybe if you wanna get some, screaming at people on the subway that you deserve to have sex with them might not be the best strategy.. ?♀️ So in conclusion, if you are being yelled at on the train about being owed sex, you may have just spotted an incel!They mansplain what women want / how women are + ignore anything a woman says that counters their statement.
They slam and blame women for however they choose to deal with / survive / thrive in a patriarchal world, from preferring a specific type of men, to monetizing their sexuality, exploiting pretty privilege, to wearing baggy clothes etc.When you set any kind of boundary, no matter how small, how they react to that is very telling.
Also, the way they respond to a woman who is knowledgeable about any topic.Something someone said to me which in hindsight should’ve had me running away (but I was beyond good decision making at that point):
I crashed at a colleagues place late one night after drinks.
He makes a move. We make out a little and then I say: “hold up, I’m not sure if this is a good idea”.
He goes: “that’s ok, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” … “as a woman you have the power” … “that’s the problem with monogamy, it’s given women too much power.”
Scotch and hormones had me a little less reactive to such a remark than I normally would’ve been. I still kick myself for not speaking up in that moment although if I had, it would have probably been even more awkward at work than it already is now…
TLDR: talking as if mutual consent is a power struggle that victimizes men, instead of it being of a non negotiable prerequisite for sex is an incel red flag.Their words an actions especially when you tell them no or reject them.Anyone who says "friendzone".I remember back in college there were boys who liked me just because I was a pretty girl. There were also boys who hated me just because I was a pretty. They assumed all sorts of bad things about me just because of my appearance. Those boys are the incels.
Incels hate you because they are attracted to you. They think that attraction gives you some sort of control over them. They assume you will use that power for evil instead of good.
Typically when someone projects that sort of thing onto you, it means that is what they would do in your shoes. They would do something bad to you if you were attracted to them.He stormed out of class because another student criticized Elon Musk.MAGA hat is a dead giveaway.They throw tantrums and plan your downfall as soon as you say no.I listen to their stories. They tend to complain a lot about:
- being single and blame society for it
- their female friends don’t want to date them
- their female friends are whores for prioritizing other male friendships
- constant negative assumptions about women’s lifestyle based on how they look
- trash talk about other men to make themselves more appealing
You can also try setting a firm boundary or saying no to their request and see how they respond. Such as “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this topic. Let’s talk about something else.” If they respect you, they’ll move on without further comments or questions.Just gotta pay attention to what they say and how they act. If they make broad generalizations and or act entitled to someone’s affections. If they say things like “women only want guys with money. I treat them well and they never want to date me” there’s a good chance that they are an incel.When they make sexist jokes about women.
and on first meeting, they always cant control themselves and touch ladies without permission.
also i would ask one question " If a female friend was SA by this guy friend, would you a) continue to be friends with this guy b) unfriend/ make sure the guy does not go near this female friend"
I am not sure this question relates to them being incels but at least it tells us his opinion/stance. I would not want a partner who would choose guy friends over me, especially in these kind of situation.
it is rather dissappointing that most guys would reply "no comment".Asking me early on how many people I’ve slept with.Surprisingly easy. The stereotypes are true; poor hygiene, complaints about women, complaints about 'wokeness', socially terrible and I do not mean socially awkward I mean socially incompetent, insecure, manipulative, the list goes on!
I HAD a "friend" who had a track record for asking out a bunch of girls only to be rejected. Every girl that said 'no' he held a grudge towards and would nitpick anything about them to fuel his sadness. He was hardly confrontational luckily but his quiet behavior is telling that something was up. When we officially hung out (a few years after graduating highschool) he was opening up how he never showered until college (he only took baths before then. Explained a lot). He was into gaming but would complain about certain games that involved lesbianism yet he fetishized the f**k out of other characters that are militarized or wore catsuits (I found this very ironic). Oftentimes we check out games and the like on his desktop. The area was deeegusstingg. Garbage can brimming with used tissues. Keyboard was gnarly. And he had a drawer full of cash from his pizza job that he loved to show off (who does that? That's inappropriate). Even showed off his firearm. A lot of his behavior is constantly complaining about women, showing off, and telling inappropriate stories; all of which was done too soon upon meeting each other after a long time. The top three things that put the nail in the coffin (I promise I didn't forgive the previous things, I knew for awhile this isn't going to last) 1: I caught him closing out a red pill reddit page. 2: he tried to coax me into kissing him despite I was engaged at the time. 3: I was always exhausted when I came back home. Blocked him everywhere, no regrets.- lack of social skills
- woe-is-me mentality
- lack of hygiene
- misogynistic attitude
- envy of others
- insecure about height/appearance
- unwilling to foster a friendly or positive attitude
- expects something in return
- porn addict
- spends a lot of time online (spends a lot of time on phone, makes obscure internet references, gets into misogynistic internet subcultures like MGTOW)
- unrealistic, unconventional, or misogynistic views on relationships
- poor problem solving skills
- needs validation from others.For me it’s whenever they say “women like…” or start going on about height.
Women like different things and we don’t all love the same things. Stop talking about what evolution says because we aren’t cavemen anymore.
And the height thing, they need to let it go. Times change and saying that women love tall men is just a very large generalization.
These two are just huge red flags for me.Their reaction when I say I’m Bi. There’s something about their immediate response that will tell me all I need to know so I try to bring it up pretty early in the conversation so that I can see the type of person they really are. Any version of ‘Bet you just haven’t met the right man yet’, ‘So your indecisive?’ or ‘So how do two women f**k?’ as a response tells me all I need to know about their true outlook on women and I move on.They are bitter and resentful towards other people, because in their mind the world is being unfair to them. They don’t know how to make themselves appealing to a woman, and they are lonesome, and for that everyone piles up abuse on them, so they grow bitter and resentful.
It takes little to cure them, if you have good intentions."Uhm, AKSHUALLY..."
Every guy I've met who uses that phrase turned out to be an incel. Every. Single. One.They give me a major vibes of unattractiveness, which consists of different things individually for each of them.People think incels have to be from the corners of the internet type troglodytes but they’re not. Anyone who has extremist views about marginalized genders and sexualities is an incel. It doesn’t even have to be people who are “celibate”. It’s people who uphold patriarchy, sexism, homophobia, racism and who want the repression of everyone because they think the world owes them more than they actually deserve or have worked for.
