It’s official. Pat Sajak’s throne as the host of Wheel of Fortune will be usurped by the guy from American Idol.
Sajak’s retirement after this season means top-dog duties at the long-running game show will be passed on to Ryan Seacrest, a man who looks like he has never been out to dinner without asking for ketchup.
Seacrest has made this a habit recently. He took over Dick Clark’s role for New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. He was Regis Philbin’s replacement on what was once Live with Regis and Kathie Lee. If you need an inoffensive, professional replacement for your old, kinda beloved host, Seacrest is your man.
But while that’s a safe choice, it’s also a boldly uninteresting one. Seacrest will be acceptable as host of Wheel of Fortune, a superfluous job only notable when contestants dig deep and throw something like, “pull a rabbit from my cat” into the universe. He’ll be a miner digging inches below the surface when it comes to interviewing contestants and setting up puzzles. It’s fine.
There were so many better options, however. Nearly 4,600 by my count.
4,599-4,596: A rotating cast of interchangable mannequins
Like Seacrest, this offers producers a dead-eyed, opinionless option they can dress however they’d like. Also, since there’s a Boston Store near all of us currently going out of business, this candidate will cost a fraction of the price and comes with a small, but non-neglible, chance of turning into Kim Catrall when no one is looking.
4,595: This crow
Like Seacrest, the noble crow is sociable, capable of more thought than you’d expect based on appearance and is drawn to shiny trinkets.
4,594-10: A Muppet (any)
Who’s gonna get mad at a piece of felt? People love Muppets. Muppets should host more things.
9. Mayim Bialik
Whatever it takes to get her away from Jeopardy!.
8. A hologram of departed wrestler Randy "Macho Man" Savage
OOOOH YEAAAAAAH. THIS PUZZLE’S CATEGORY IS BEFORE AND AFTER. JAMES, ARE YOU READY TO BE THE CREAM OF THE CROP? CAN YOU BE THE TOWER OF POWER, TOO SWEET TO BE SOUR AND TAKE YOUR THRONE IN THE MACHO KINGDOM, BROTHER???
7. Bill Walton
“Can I get an ‘R,’ Bill?”
“The question isn’t can you, brother. It’s if the universe will provide. I’m lucky enough to have been born into this world, to explore its many wonders, to understand the dimensions of love human beings are capable of. It was 1979 when I was drafted, and I didn’t know it at the time. I was out backpacking, searching for my ‘what if,’ as we’re all clawing against this cosmic vacuum in a quest for meaning. And a ranger asked me, ‘Are you doing down this trail?’ And it forced me to consider what ‘are’ really is. You see, now that I’m 70 — although what age really is is a construct — but this world gets a bit clearer for an old, fortunate Dead Head like myself. Our trails, our paths, are a braid of decisions we make and those the world lays out for us, and…”
(Show ends, zero puzzles are completed.)
6. Josh Gad
The man cannot make a show that doesn’t get canceled. Might as well put him on America’s most un-cancelable show and see if the immovable object or unstoppable force explodes first.
5. Magic Johnson
Hosting Wheel of Fortune is a facile job of pointing out the obvious. What the wheel stopped on. Whether or not a letter is in the puzzle. Why not turn the reins over to the man whose Twitter account is devoted to the exact same depth of analysis?
The only way San Antonio or Miami don't win the championship is if neither team makes the finals.
— Earvin Magic Johnson (@MagicJohnson) March 7, 2014
4. Ken Jeong
Yeah I know, he’s pretty much everywhere already. But like most medical doctors, it also seems like he could use a break from Jenny McCarthy.
3. Nicolas Cage
Sadly his acting renaissance means he no longer needs the money to keep his castles and Superman memorabilia from being repossessed. Still, I would tune in every night to watch and see how many contestants he could make cry.
2. Joel McHale
He’s actually more handsome than the guy who’s famous for being handsome!
1. YOU
That’s right, reader. I believe you, and you specifically, would be a more interesting Wheel of Fortune host than human piece of dry toast Ryan Seacrest.
