I love Black Friday as much as the next starving slave to capitalism — shoutout to JB-HiFi for the deal on a PS5 xoxo. But in a year where cost of living has beaten the average Aussie consumer to a pulp, I gotta admit it is disappointing that not every outlet and store has joined in the sale-y season.
Sure, I can understand that interest rate rises effect everyone, and wars breaking out means it can be harder to get the products that us first-world-girlies depend on so greatly for the low prices we’re used to. (Thank you to the business bro’s already writing comments about how little I know, you’re so clever and brave for still living with your parents.)
However, what is always free is the ability to fantasise and manifest.
So here’s a list of 13 places that I wish got into the spirit of Black Friday at all/better, but aren’t because they’re cringe.
1. Coles
Coles announced they made $1.1 BILLION (with a B, for bullshit) this last financial year, with special thanks to the fact they skyrocketed their prices during the cost of living crisis. People are unable to afford food like they used to, which has lead to hilarious criticisms of their old marketing as the store where you could afford to “feed a family for under $10” — a feat now nigh impossible.
Coles are having several Black Friday deals on things like gift cards and Huggies Nappies, but most of these are online only, with hardly anything going on sale in their store.
Milk, fresh produce, microwave pizzas and other staples are still going to cost full price if you walk into a Coles today, which is already unacceptably high. Do better Coles.
2. Woolworths
Just as it takes two to tango, it takes two to create a supermarket duopoly across a country and make unholy profits on essential groceries. Woolies boasted an annual profit of $1.62 billion dollars last financial year, so you know they could afford to have go all out for one day of Black Friday fun.
Like their competitor, Woolies have some online deals which they’re calling Orange Friday. BUT in order to access their other deals you need to sign up for their Everyday Rewards program.
Sorry, I thought Black Friday was a free-for-all for bloodthirsty shoppers? Get outta here with your wanky “members only” nonsense.
I’m not asking for much Woolies and Coles, just 30 per cent off on all products store wide. Or ya know, the prices things used to be. Cheers luvs.
3. GP visits
The average cost to see a GP recently jumped to OVER a hundred dollary-doos, which is still putting you $60 out of pocket after the Medicare rebate.
Surely in the name of health and wellbeing, a medical professional would be willing to provide a discount in the sacred name of Black Friday. To find out I called a few clinics, including the one I visit, to see what they had to offer.
Most hung up immediately, however the kind receptionist at my own clinic laughed and told me that their office was “a medical centre, not a Target” which made me absolutely cackle. Go off queen, sorry for the prank call.
4. realestate.com.au
Nowhere on realestate.com.au do they have any advertised properties with massive Black Friday savings. If you need any more signs that the state of this country’s housing market has gone to hell, it is the lack of Black Friday auctions on a 4-bedroom apartment in Sydney that’s down from $1.4 million to $300K.
But if real estate agents and landlords are going to treat a necessity of life and human right like it’s a product, then so can I.
Although perhaps this lack of sale isn’t a bad thing, as it would only encourage property developers to increase their portfolio by a hundred homes in one day.
5. Local kebab shops
After an exhausting day of hunting for discounts and fighting other customers for, say, the last copy of Spider-Man 2 on PS5 (if it wasn’t clear enough what I spent today doing), you will need need to refuel.
And just like a big night out, there’s only ever one delicacy that can truly replenish one’s spent body: a doner kebab,
Yet nowhere I can see are any of the hundred kebab shops that are a stone’s throw from the PEDESTRIAN.TV office having a Black Friday sale on kebabs, gozleme, or Halal snack packs.
Sometimes it is the things you love most that hurt you the worst. I will forgive you kebab shops, but please give me time.
6. The Royal Australian Mint
We’ve all heard the “why can’t they just print more money?” conundrum before. Now, as logically flawless as that idea is, I think I have an improvement on it.
On Black Friday, the Royal Mint should have a sale, on money.
Essentially, they should sell cash can at a discounted price. This way they don’t need to print any extra, but I can buy some more at a for a bargain. And before the business bro’s tell me this won’t work, I’m way ahead of you. Since no extra money is getting added to the economy, it won’t stunt inflation. Gotcha.
There is literally nothing wrong with this idea, other than the fact that the Royal Mint aren’t doing this Black Friday deal. For shame.
7. All Petrol Stations
Companies like Shell have made some of the filthiest profits ever after the MASSIVE hike in prices on petrol internationally. This has seen the cost of fuel jump by DOLLARS per litre, to the point where they are burning holes in wallets almost as fast as they are burning holes in the Ozone.
And it seems that accelerating a crisis — both climate change and cost of living — is not something that can stop for one day, as none of the petrol stations anywhere are having Black Friday discounts. Not even on E10.
8. Taylor Swift
Do not for a second think this is a criticism of Taylor Swift. We adore her, to the moon and to Saturn.
But we also adore a Black Friday bargain. And given that all the tickets to her Eras Tour all got sold out, wouldn’t it be such a slay move of her to announce a NEW SET OF SHOWS in Australia AT DISCOUNTED PRICES?!?
And yet here we are on Black Friday, without cheap Tay tix. I don’t want to accept it either, but rules are rules. Taylor’s on the list, sorry.
9. My Therapist
I believe all people should get therapy. It is as essential as going to the dentist or doctor. It is also as expensive as going to those places, which is a terrible reason why countless Australian’s have to sacrifice mental health and wellbeing.
Political parties like The Greens have argued for including free and unlimited mental healthcare in Medicare, which is all well and good. But only here in this article has anyone ever made the case that mental health clinics should have Black Friday discounts.
News of this Black Friday snub is so disappointing, that I would love to talk to someone about it. However due to lack of said discount, I cannot, making me sadder. What a Catch 22.
10. Qantas First Class Flights
Qantas, like Shell, Coles, and Woolies before it, boasted astronomically high profits as a result of the cost of living crisis and pandemic.
Though they do have some Black Friday deals on select flights, it seems the only thing that the Australian airline has dramatically slashed down is its brand’s reputation.
If anyone from Qantas is looking for ideas on how to restore your damaged image in one easy step: 50 per cent off on all flights to all locations for Black Friday.
And then, get this hectic idea: don’t cancel those flights.
11. Transport NSW
After years of strikes from the Transport NSW union over disputes around pay and unfair hours, recently the cost of public transport in NSW increased by an average of 3.7 per cent.
But if Transport NSW really want to increase the overall profit, they should introduce a Black Friday discount. Hell, even if it’s just for the line from Central Station to Penrith.
Even just for tonight. Would be a huge shout — that you still have time to act on y’al. Don’t sleep on it. Please.
12. X / Twitter
Elon Musk bought Twitter for the reasonable price of $44 billion USD, as you do when you are a totally-normal-cool-funny-meme-person and definitely not a desperate wannabe.
For reasons that are totally out of Elon’s control and nothing to do with his leadership, or rebranding of the iconic Twitter to it’s new name “X”, current estimates say that the company is now worth less than half what he paid.
Elon, from one business genius to another, here’s an offer you can’t refuse: have a Black Friday deal on the entire company of X/Twitter and sell it off at the 50 per cent discount you’ve already given it.
13. My Dealer
…
Come on mate, just this once.
The post 13 Places I Wish Went All Out For Black Friday During Cozzie Livs, But Didn’t appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .
