Have you ever caught yourself in the middle of an imaginary argument with someone in your head? Have you played out fake beefs, practiced rebuttals, or rehearsed the perfect clap-back you just wish you could’ve said to your sworn nemesis in real life?
It turns out there’s a word for this, and it turns out you’re far from the only one who is having full-blown arguments with absolutely no one else in sight. I experienced jouska, a term coined in 2012 by writer John Koenig, earlier this week, after a tiff at my parents house over me arriving late for family dinner three times in a row (black sheep alert!).
I breathed through all my frustrations in the moment, but on the car ride home, I gave them a what-for entirely in my brain. “OK, but who prepared the side-dishes from scratch, huh?!” I told them (they weren’t there). “And who organised the dinners in the first place, punk?!” (my windscreen was gagged).
I then took the fight to my shower, where my shampoo bottles applauded me for mentally concocting an entire altercation — complete with mic-drop comebacks, searing reads and at least one storm-off — completely out of thin air. I then dried myself off and texted them goodnight.
Since I simply cannot admit to being totally bonkers, and since I once read that talking (or yelling) to yourself is actually a sign of intelligence, I asked a bunch of people whether they, too, have mastered the art of made-up rivalries, and if so — who is at the receiving end of their (fake) wrath, and why?
Nestled within these stories are some truly titillating feuds, and since these people weren’t able to express their frustrations to their “scum landlord” or “the girl I hate at work”, I like to think their venting to me helped them avoid evictions, terminations, or a rogue thrown wine glass at the family dinner. Yes, I do the lord’s work.
Read on for the 12 fake arguments people had with their enemies, from slamming fists on phantom tables to practice runs with ChatGPT.
“I keep seeing this director I worked with a few years ago, who used to comment on what I ate and wore to work, in the lobby of my new work. I can’t bring myself to have any interaction with her because she’s a f**king bully.
“So I have instead replayed the scenario so many times in my head where I’m ultra nice and kill her with kindness, and another one where I say a great big ‘f**k you!’ I can’t tell which scenario I’d prefer.”
— Amy*
“I love rehearsing imaginary fights with my stepdad. We have never really got on due to a lot of differing opinions on just about every topic under the sun (think classic misogynistic, racist white boomer).
“I like to imagine we’re at a family gathering sitting around a big table and he says something really out of pocket about one of my family members and I just absolutely lose it in front of everyone. I slam my fist down on the table and get up and scream at him for being such a giant piece of human garbage. I’m saying things like ‘I have no idea why my mum would marry someone like you!’ and ‘who the f**k do you think you are?!’
“Sometimes things even get physical and I’m lunging over the table while being held back by shocked family members. In my head I get in at least one good punch to his stupid face before storming off in a really badass way.”
— Bella*
“I did some rehearsal for a verbal altercation with my scum landlord. I even read up on stuff to practice with and thought of what they might say and how I’d spit straight facts and logic up their ass.”
— *Oscar
“I’ve been having non-stop imaginary arguments with my neighbour from hell for years. She’s made my life (and the lives of every other person in our apartment building) a living nightmare: shutting down common spaces, verbally abusing people in the stairwell, and acting like she owns the entire block, not just one apartment.
“I can’t sell my apartment due to her actions, so while I slowly figure out how to fix the situation, I alternate between screaming in her face, and smugly telling her that her power games are over. I’m not sure which one I’d prefer IRL.”
— *Cassie
“I’ve had imaginary arguments with three separate Trump voters every day over the past 18 months.”
— *Celena
“I have pretend fights with a girl I hate with work. Even when she’s working at the desk right next to me, I’m thinking of what I really want to say to her but wouldn’t. She’s the type that thinks she’s better than everyone. Obviously I can’t say anything because I’m a team player and don’t want an email from HR.”
— *James
“My imaginary arguments are so bad, that my sister catches my hand gestures while driving, I am that fired up.”
— *Jennifer
“So I was terribly obsessed with my ex. He treated me like such a burden and made me feel like I was crazy all the time. I imagined seeing him again, somehow getting into small talk with him and then after he obviously says something nasty, I respond in a convicted but calm way, ‘I will never care what you have to say’ and walk away while he loses it and sheds his ‘cool’ demeanour and has a little temper tantrum in the street.”
— *Denise
“As a Cancerian woman, I am both highly conflict avoidant and yet very sensitive and deeply hurt by everything (#selfaware), so I am always rehearsing for arguments in the shower that will never happen, but god do I read my shower wall for filth!”
— *Sarah
“I do this far more often than I’d like to admit. Most recently, I was rehearsing how to quit an unpaid work experience role after being called ‘the helper’, without anyone even bothering to ask my name. I imagined purposely getting them the wrong coffee order, giving it to them, and calling them the wrong name. I took the high road instead and made up a polite excuse to leave early. Their loss, truly.”
— *David
My recent one was about an entitled work colleague. Me and my friend even used ChatGPT to come up with the perfect responses and points to raise and rehearsed them to each other. Of course, we were afraid of confrontation and never said anything at all. I deleted the chat history”.
— *Fiona
“I truly could argue with a brick wall, but the person I argue with the most IRL and in my head is my mum. Over the years some of our fights have developed a sort of sick, predictable structure that has given me a way to hack the system and outsmart her.
“So I will ruminate in my head almost weekly now and come up with rebuttals, case points, references the whole shebang to her usual argument-starters. To my surprise, it has actually helped… sometimes. But I can guarantee that my mum also does this in her head with me.”
— *Olivia
Lead images: Marriage Story and America’s Next Top Model
The post 12 People Spill On Who They’re Having Imaginary Fights With, From ‘Scum Landlords’ To ‘Obsessed Exes’ appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .
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