Every couple has a certain love song that they claim as their own. And with Valentine’s Day approaching, these songs probably get a greater level of play.
But there are also love songs that no one is touching, except to make a list of the 10 weirdest love songs of all time. And, lo and behold, here is such a list for your listening torture:
“Aicha”: This 1996 Algerian pop song had the unlikeliest cover in 2002 when a scrawny Belgian teenager calling himself Gellieman recorded an English-language version in a deadpan manner, complete with a brilliantly awkward dance movement.
The video was a minor viral hit when it first went online. Gellieman’s whereabouts today are a mystery, yet Internet opinion on the song remains divided, with some people insisting Gellieman was creating a sly comedy work and others insisting that he was unaware of his ineptitude. But perhaps a Reddit commentator had the best observation regarding the audacity of the effort: “This guy has platinum balls.”
“Losing You”: Chicago-based Jan Terri brought more enthusiasm than talent to her music, and a combination of inadequate vocalizing and unsatisfactory songwriting doomed her efforts to secure pop music stardom. However, her outsider vibe was strong enough to briefly pique the interest of Marilyn Manson – he recruited her as the opening act for his concerts in Chicago in 1998 and 1999, and she joined him in the 1999 video “God Is In The TV.”
In case you’re wondering why there is a surplus amount of limousine footage in this video, that’s because Terri worked as a limousine driver when she wasn’t recording sincere but wobbly love songs.
“Love Will Keep Us Together”: Neil Sedaka co-wrote and recorded this tune in 1973, but a 1975 cover by Captain & Tennille made it a global favorite. And while there is nothing wrong with the song on its own terms, there is a lot wrong with the most infamous cover version involving Mae West and Timothy Dalton in the 1978 movie “Sextette.”
West was 84 when the film was shot and Dalton was 30 – they were supposed to play newlyweds, but Dalton can barely keep a straight face while singing how his octogenarian bride is “young and beautiful” while West seems to be in her own world and barely acknowledges her beau. Incredibly, this was among the more sedate moments in this cinematic train wreck.
“MacArthur Park”: Okay, who left the cake out in the rain? Jimmy Webb’s elegy for a dissolved relationship became the ultimate 60s bat-crazy pop tune, complete with oddball lyrics, overbaked orchestrations – dig that groovy harpsichord opening – and a gargantuan 7-minute-21-second running time spanning four movements.
But, of course, it’s up to Richard Harris to ice this rain-soaked cake. As Financial Times columnist James Ferguson observed, Harris brought the “most singularly unsingerly voice until Lee Marvin’s depth-charge rendition of ‘Wand’rin’ Star’ a few years later, making up in chutzpah what he lacked in technical ability … He croaks and he sighs, he emotes and he declaims, but he doesn’t sing. (And he consistently mispronounces ‘MacArthur’ as ‘MacArthur’s.’) There are high notes he hasn’t a hope of reaching, but, my word, he tries.”
“Mama Will Bark”: Frank Sinatra was at the nadir of his career doldrums when he recorded this 1951 novelty song with Dagmar, a curvaceous starlet who was popular during the early days of television. The duet imagined Sinatra and Dagmar as canine lovers struggling to keep their relationship together despite her mother’s unhappiness.
While the song peaked at #21 on the Billboard singles chart, most Sinatra historians pegged “Mama Will Bark” as his worst recording. Old Blue Eyes agreed, quipping that the “only good it did me was with the dogs.”
“Midnight at the Oasis”: Folk singer Maria Muldaur became a one-hit wonder in 1974 with this funky oddity where she sings about seducing her lover in a desert oasis by insisting “I'll be your belly dancer, prancer, and you can be my sheik.”
The song’s often bizarre lyrics – where else can you hear lines like “send your camel to bed” and “cactus is our friend”? – coupled with Muldaur’s distinctive vocal style made this an AM radio favorite during the mid-1970s, and those who survived the Decade That Good Taste Forgot mostly chuckle today when reminded of its goofy excesses.
“Neanderthal Man”: This was never intended to be a commercially released song – musicians Eric Stewart, Kevin Godley and Lol Creme were testing new recording equipment at Strawberry Studios in Stockport, England, in 1970 and churned out a ditty mostly consisting of the chanted chorus “I’m a Neanderthal Man, you’re a Neanderthal Girl, let’s make Neanderthal love in this Neanderthal World.”
In the ultimate show biz story, Dick Leahy of Philips Records heard the test recording and offered to release it as a single. The trio hurriedly named their act Hotlegs (after a shapely young woman who worked at their studio) and “Neanderthal Man” reached #2 on the U.K. charts. Hotlegs would later transition into 10cc, which recorded more serious music.
“Put Your Feet in the Wedding Cake”: Wedding songs are a cherished subsection of the love song genre, mixing syrupy lyrics with deeply emotional sentiment to musically frame a cherished ceremony. But don’t tell that to Hotel Faux Pas, a St. Louis-based indie pop band whose “Put Your Feet in the Wedding Cake” brings anarchy to the party.
With rude lyrics such as “goose the mother of the bride, give the bride a French kiss,” this is the ultimate wedding song for nihilists and a joyful horror for those who fear the worst-case scenario on their happiest day.
“We Are In Love”: Obsessive stalking is not usually considered funny – especially for those being victimized by such behavior – but don’t tell that to the animators at WB Kids, who have Bugs Bunny being relentlessly pursued by a creepy love-struck Lola Bunny despite his insistence that her presence is not welcome.
While anti-social behavior was a running gag in the classic Merry Melodies cartoons – with sticks of TNT and anvils used to eradicate dimwitted adversaries – Lola’s spying on Bugs’ phone calls and holding a vigil outside of his home is a bit too close to real life and, thus, more problematic than the slapstick romanticism of Pepe Le Pew. After listening to song, one can only express lament for poor Bugs.
“Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?”: The concept of open-air copulation in the middle of a thoroughfare has rarely been addressed in music, but that notion struck Paul McCartney when he spied a pair of monkeys making love in a road during his 1967 trip to India. Running a mere one minute and 41 seconds, “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?” was the second shortest of the songs on the 1968 album “The Beatles” (a.k.a. the White Album).
McCartney and Ringo Starr were the only Beatles involved in the recording, with John Lennon and George Harrison busy working on other tracks. Lennon would later claim he was unhappy that he was not involved in the recording, noting how he “was always hurt when Paul would knock something off without involving us.”
Photo: Mae West and Timothy Dalton in "Sextette," courtesy of Cinema Crazed.
