We’re mere days away from Super Bowl 57, which got us thinking – could a team of video game characters take home the gridiron’s biggest prize? Yes, without question, and we’ve created the best team possible.
Now you’re probably thinking, “you can’t pit Patrick Mahomes, or Jalen Hurts against literal gods and cosmic beings – that’s not fair!” To which we say, yes – but we’re about winning here, not about what’s ‘fair’ or any of that silly nonsense. Do you think A.J. Brown would turn down supersonic speeds if he had the chance? Absolutely not!
As such, we’ve come up with a team of video game characters that would take the Super Bowl relatively easily. There are no opponent beings, at least – so every NFL coach should obviously keep an eye on these stars come draft season.
Quarterback - Kratos
Every good quarterback has to have a good handle on the path to victory – meaning you can’t get much better than Kratos. Think about it: this guy took down not one but TWO pantheons of gods. You think anyone on the Eagles or Bengals could clothesline someone that regularly blitzes kaiju-sized foes? No chance. Plus, God of War (2018) and God of War Ragnarök show Kratos is a natural leader – he bosses Atreus around regularly.
Running Back - Sonic the Hedgehog
By multiple accounts, Sonic can run at a top speed of around 186,000 miles per second – just imagine the rushing play possibilities. Sure, he only stands about 3 feet off the ground, but nobody will catch him. Unless the opposing team starts setting up traps with chili dogs as bait – there’s no shot anyone is tackling the blue blur.
Offensive Linemen - Doomguy
You can’t tell us that any center offensive lineman would instill more terror than Doomguy (AKA The Doom Slayer). He’s a force of nature – demons of the underworld regularly check under their beds at night for this dude. There are moments in the Doom series where he pulls off feats of strength that would make Superman blush. In fairness, Doomguy doesn’t speak, so he might not be the best at communicating intentions with the team.
Tight End - Nathan Drake
Ok, we’ve had a few too many superpowered members on this team already, so let’s level the playing field a bit. Nathan Drake is just a regular guy and not all that imposing compared to Kratos or Doomguy, but think about it: Tight End has to excel at getting the ball exactly where it needs to be, right? Drake could easily do that! There are several instances in the Uncharted games where Drake is plucking some relic from its resting place while stumbling through traps and countless mercenaries while an ancient city crumbles around him – there’s no way Drake is dropping the ball.
Wide Receiver - Diddy Kong
Yes, we know Diddy Kong isn’t built for football like his best buddy Donkey Kong. Consider this: wide receivers are best when catching passes – Diddy could do that easily. In Donkey Kong Country and its sequel, Diddy is regularly throwing his partners (either Donkey or Dixie) all over the place while scooping up bananas by the thousands. He also has a cartwheel move that makes him invulnerable to basically any offensive move – L’Jarius Sneed has got no shot at clotheslining Diddy.
Defensive Linemen - Malenia, Blade of Miquella (Elden Ring)
They say the best defense is a good offense, so nobody is getting past Malenia. Consider this: Elden Ring‘s most challenging boss is pretty well known for humiliating anyone who goes toe-to-toe with her. Offensive tackles? She’d literally be air-juggling the entire opposing team until they were nothing but a footnote to her magnificence. Maybe there’s a rule against swords on the field, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Linebacker - Wario
If, by some miracle, the other team makes it past our team’s defensive line – they’re going to contend with Wario. He’s short and stout, meaning nobody is knocking him over. Plus, both the Mario Kart and Mario Party games show Wario is fearless in competition. Just imagine sprinting towards that ghoulish smile as he cackles like an old crow – knowing he has a blue shell ready for you to eat.
Cornerback - Kirby
There’s an argument to be made that Kirby is the most powerful character on this list. No, really – he’s basically a multiversal entity that can steal anyone’s powers. Imagine a cornerback flying into the air, shape-shifting into a rock, then crushing whatever poor sod is below. He’d get away with any potentially dirty moves, too – the crowd would go wild over Kirby’s heartwarming smile and cutesy dances. The only trouble with Kirby is it’s possible that he might inhale the whole opposing team for fun.
Safety - Bed of Chaos (Dark Souls)
Madden 23‘s official simulation predicts Jalen Hurts is this Sunday’s MVP. Well, he’s not getting past the Bed of Chaos. First of all, it’s about the size of a four-story building, surrounded by pools of lava, and has an endless supply of tree-like tendrils flailing around. It’s like a sentient fortress that is probably bigger than the field itself. Also, imagine how funny it would be to get a jersey on this thing.
Kicker - Hitmonlee
Look, there’s nothing to this one other than Hitmonlee does nothing but kick. Therefore, they’d probably be an excellent kicker. Now material arts super kicks don’t naturally translate to skills necessary for getting the ball way into the air, but we’re going to trust that Hitmonlee has got this. Not to mention Pokémon take orders pretty well and always are part of a trainer’s team. We’ll just pretend Kratos caught Hitmonlee!
Written by Kyle Campbell on behalf of GLHF.
