Communication is one of the biggest issues when you’ve got a teenager. Conversations can be fraught, loaded – they often feel as if they’re about to go ballistic – or worst of all, they’re just nonexistent. Your teen seems to be a closed book – they don’t want to talk and you don’t seem to be able to coax them out of their shell.
And yet there are effective ways to open up a conversation with your teenager – though you need to be very sensitive, and self-aware, and genuinely interested in creating a dialogue rather than just a chance to ram home what you think about an issue.
We enlisted the help of two experts to find out how to converse better. What questions are good openers, and how do you take it from there? (In a nutshell: less from you is very much more.)
I was talking to my friend, and she says social media is really damaging. What do you think?
If you want to open up a subject with your teenager, the advice of Fiona Hannah, clinical director and founder of Teenage Mental Health, is to use “the third person in the room. If what you say sounds challenging, it opens up a defence mechanism in your child. So instead of throwing down the gauntlet, find a commonality.
“Open up a discussion on something you want to talk about, but try to make sure it happens naturally – don’t ‘sit them down’ to chat, because that can become very antagonistic.”
One good ploy, says Hannah, is to have the conversation when you’re side by side rather than face on – when you’re out for a walk, doing the dishes or driving.
Is there a job for which you think you’d be a natural?
Teenagers hate being put on the spot about the “same old” – what are you enjoying at school, what do you want to do when you leave school, that kind of thing. What works, says psychotherapist Stella O’Malley, author of What Your Teen Is Trying to Tell You, is to broaden it out and make it less scary. Another way in could be to ask your teen what other job they think you might have been better suited for.
If you were a parent, what rules would you set for screens?
Turn the tables, suggests O’Malley, and let them think about an issue from another angle. “What I usually find is that the child is naturally far more sensible than the parent expects they’re going to be,” she says. “Often your child has actually taken much more from what you’ve been telling them than you might have realised. Parents tend to underestimate the influence they have on their teenagers.”
What was the most surprising thing that happened to you during your childhood?
The interesting thing that can happen here, says O’Malley, is that what you thought was the most surprising thing in your child’s childhood might not be the answer they give. “It can often be something you missed – something to do with a friendship or something that happened at school,” she says. “This question can be a lovely way to get your child to reflect on their childhood and how it’s impacted on the person they are now.”
What’s the best way for someone to lose their virginity?
Sometimes, says O’Malley, parents fear opening conversations about, for instance, sex, because they think they’ll somehow encourage behaviour they might not approve of. But teenagers are aware of sex, and for far too many, having sex for the first time is something to just get out of the way, or it happens in a setting they regret.
When I was your age I was more lonely than anyone knew. Is anything going on in your life that no one knows about?
O’Malley is big on opening yourself up a bit, being honest about your own life and tricky times/mistakes/failings. What’s key, she says, is offering anecdotes when the ambition is to help your kid rather than tell the tale for your own ends. In conversations, people reciprocate: I say a bit about me, and then you say a bit about you. If you want to keep a conversation with a teenager natural, this can be a good way to do it.
Another tip from O’Malley is to use the acronym Wait: why am I talking. Don’t rush to fill silences; don’t bombard your child with your “wisdom”. Give them space and leave yourself out except when it’s helpful.
Hannah agrees: “Practise active listening. Give your child space to talk. Think about what they’ve said before you respond.”
What do you feel about what’s happening to our planet?
Teenagers are thinking lots about climate change, and many of them, says Hannah, are quite terrified about what’s happening, so it can be really helpful to talk it through. “We need to take action – this is a very serious situation – but you don’t want your child to be fearful the whole time that we’re on the verge of extinction,” she says. Listen to their concerns and be ready to talk about what people can do to make a difference.
Why do you think that person/teacher/friend is behaving like that?
The key with these conversations, says O’Malley, is to encourage your teen to think about what’s going on beyond what’s obvious. “Whatever they answer, you want to go one further and say: ‘What do you think is driving that?’ Because behind anger is usually fear, and you can help your teenager think about that.”
Try, says Hannah, to get your teenager to see things in a different way. “Maybe someone’s had a bad day and they need help rather than judgment.”
If you’d been born into another family, how might you be different?
It’s great for teens if they have consciousness about what their family is all about: what are the values of their family, what matters to them as a family, how are they different from other families? “What you want is for them to think about how being part of their family has had an impact on them. You’re helping to build self-awareness and self-knowledge,” says O’Malley. “You can frame it as being about the family, but it’s actually all about the teen themselves.”
How might life have been different if you’d been the oldest/youngest/middle child/had siblings?
Even the teen you think will never open up about anything is going to take the bait with this one, says O’Malley. “They’re going to bitch for a while about the other children and how they have it easier or better – this will get any kid talking,” she says. “And remember, you’re not looking to get anything out of this conversation, or any of these conversations: what it’s about is encouraging self-reflection. There shouldn’t be a goal.”
“Try not to end up by giving answers or solutions to the issues you’ve discussed,” cautions Hannah. “You’re not trying to ‘fix’ things for them. Teenagers need to learn to build their own toolkit for life. What you can do is help them think it through.”
