Just in case you’re late to the party, dating sucks right now.
People are feeling lazy, unmotivated and certainly not romantic when it comes to going on dates. I’ve been hearing it on all corners of the internet, among single friends and people I meet everywhere — dating is hard and no one wants to properly connect.
It feels counterintuitive, because I’ve also been hearing that connection is all that anyone wants. A friend recently told me that she is craving someone to just hold her hand when she crosses the road, someone to look out for her. It made my heart melt.
It seems to me that we’re in this predicament where we’re craving connection, but we’re also super fussy. We know exactly what we want in a partner. We know the power in giving things to ourselves. We know the importance of independence. We also know what opportunities are out there for us, we know what aspirational lives look like and we have a fabricated image in our mind of what our version might be. And, with single people at our fingertips, just a swipe away — many of us feel like we can create it. The perfect love story, the perfect person, just the right qualities that match ours… perfectly.
This means that going on dates is high stakes. We want what we want and that’s what we’re looking for. But what if it’s not what we want at all? Having so many options on a virtual platter that look so delicious, that we think would fit into our lives seamlessly… they’re just an illusion. An assumption, made by us based on what we think we want love to look like for us.
In my opinion, social media creates a noise that blocks out our true desires. Your inner voice can only really be located in silence. Like when you’re at a beach on a faraway coast, when you’re reading a book in your bedroom, or going for a walk. Real desires don’t happen as you’re swiping through person after person on a dating app.
At least, that’s been my experience. And from what I’m hearing of other peoples’ recent first dates, it seems that dating has only gotten more difficult.
I know this is a bit of a depressing article. That it’s not about a happy ever after, that it doesn’t celebrate the added connectivity social media brings into our lives, that it doesn’t make us sound like a romantic era of humans. But I hope that it makes you feel less alone.
If you’ve had a bad first date experience recently, you’re definitely not the only one. There is nothing wrong with you, dating is just damn hard right now. Perhaps this is a sign to go to your local bar, order your favourite cocktail and strike up a conversation with someone new. Remember how to be you again, and how to interact with people without an agenda.
But for now, here are 10 of the worst first date stories that encapsulate the dire state of dating in 2024.
Jules, 23
“I told him I was vegan before the date, but he took me to a steakhouse. The entire place reeked of sizzling meat. I felt nauseous. I asked him if we could go somewhere else but he said a bit of meat would ‘do me good’.
“I walked out.”
Holly, 26
“He texted throughout the whole date. Like, we’d be talking, mid-sentence, and he’d pick his phone up to reply to a message. The worst part was that he had an Apple watch, so every notification he got came up on his watch. And he’d check Every. Single. One. At one point I asked him if he had somewhere else to be, because I truly felt like I was just talking for the sake of it. He told me he’d cancelled on his boys to come out with me in a way that made me feel like I should be grateful for him being there at all.
“And then, when he dropped me home he tried to kiss me. I pulled away and he got mad. But if I’d asked him about one of the things I’d spoken about during dinner, I bet he wouldn’t be able to tell me. So why even lean in for the kiss? Ugh. I haven’t gone on a date since.”
Ryan, 28
“All he could talk about were all the other dates he’d been on. It felt like he was trying to impress me or something, but it just made me feel kind of shit. Like I was just another one in a long list of scheduled dates he had planned for the week. I felt super self-conscious because I kept imagining him talking about our date to the next person he was on a date with. It brought out the things you don’t want to do on a date. I felt nervous, shaky, super aware of myself, a little sweaty.
“I honestly just wanted to leave. To me, dating isn’t this crazy game. I actually want to meet someone I can connect with.”
Sasha, 21
“She didn’t ask me a single question, the entire date. She didn’t talk much at all, actually. I tried to bring it up, ask her if she was okay, if she was nervous maybe — and tried to acknowledge that first dates can be scary. ‘I’m not scared,’ she said, but she barely said a word. Either she wasn’t into me, didn’t want to admit nerves or just didn’t care because the entire night I felt like I was talking to myself.
“Nothing necessarily went wrong, but I had this feeling of dejection afterwards, that I think summarises the dating climate right now. It just feels woeful. Helpless. Like where are my people? I’m not even in the market for a fully fledged long-term live-in partner, I just want someone I can cuddle and talk about my day to.”
Pat, 25
“He rocked up with a friend and assumed I’d been fine with it. I’d been crushing on this guy for months and had finally had the courage to ask him out for a drink on Instagram. So, I was actually really crushed. Maybe I hadn’t been clear that it was a date, but there was definitely some light flirting over text so I think he knew I was into him. And to not even ask first, felt a bit rude. He and his friend sat there and talked about their work the whole time. They both work in the same industry, so I felt left out.
“I also just felt stupid. I’d been nervous he was out of my league, and I felt like he was proving me right. I couldn’t relate to what they were saying, I didn’t feel like I could find my conversational groove, so I made an excuse and left. He texted me later apologising for bringing his friend and asking if he could come around and make it up to me. I almost said yes, but then I thought about how I’d feel if we had sex and then he left. Honestly, it would’ve made me feel worse. So I just told him it was okay, and that we weren’t meant to be and left it at that.
“I think it will take me a long time to ask someone out again, online or in person.”
Harry, 29
“She saw me at the bar, came over and said hi. Then she asked me to stand up. I asked her why and she said she wanted to check my height. So I stood up. She told me I was shorter than I said in my profile. ‘I put 5”10,’ I said. ‘You’re more like 5”9,’ she replied, before telling me I was pushing it with 5”10. She said: ‘Sorry, but this isn’t for me.’
“And she turned around and left without saying another word.”
Anna, 27
“I thought we were hitting things off. There was a good vibe, great eye contact. He was asking me questions and commenting on little things about me, and it felt cute.
“Then he got a text. His phone buzzed on the table and when he looked at it, his face changed. “I have to take this,” he said. “Ok,” I said, and he went outside. I could see him out the front of the restaurant, pacing back and forth on the phone. It felt like he was out there for ages. I finished an entire glass of wine while he was gone.
“When he came back in, he told me he had an emergency and had to leave. I couldn’t believe it. My stomach dropped. Part of me thought that maybe it was staged — he was having a bad time and had asked his friend to call him so he had an exit. I later found out (through mutual friends) that it was his ex, crying and saying that she was having second thoughts about their break-up and was freaking out that she’d lost him forever. So, he’d fled the scene — our date! — and back to her.
“I guess there’s a part of me that thinks what he did is romantic. If I was her, I would’ve been swooning. But it caused a lot of self-doubt in me, sitting at that restaurant alone, and I just wish he’d communicated what was going on, at the time. He’d had chances in the week leading up to our date, to tell me things were complicated with his ex.
“It feels like lots of people want to have their cake and eat it too. Go on dates, while still figuring out other relationships. Get someone to open up to you, but not want to open up themselves. It just feels a little unfair. I want people to be honest and true to their word. That would be so nice, and make dating so much easier!”
El, 30
“Everything was good, until he dropped me off at my place at the end of the night and asked to come in. I said no, because it was a first date and I’d like to get to know him better first. He got really angry with me. Told me I wasn’t as pretty as my photos and that I wasn’t someone he could see himself falling in love with anyway. I felt scared and offended. It didn’t seem like his true feelings, but the way he switched so quickly just because he didn’t get what he wanted… was scary.
“I managed to text my housemate to come outside and get me. I didn’t want to walk away from him alone. It feels really unfair that we have to be this scared, in moments that should be fun, flirty and romantic.”
Sam, 23
“I asked if she wanted to split the bill and she got upset with me. I could tell it would turn into an argument if I didn’t just pay it, so I did. But we went to a fancy restaurant she’d chosen, and I felt out of my depth. I know that the chivalrous thing to do is for the dude to pick up the tab, but she knows I still go to uni and only work part-time. I should have looked into the restaurant more, but I didn’t think it would be an issue.
“I just can’t forget the look she gave me. So dirty, like I’d embarrassed her. I felt like I was going to get told off. I felt really guilty.”
Ed, 32
“Halfway through dinner she went to the bathroom. I got a text saying ‘come find me’. It was a turn-on for sure, but I didn’t really want to fuck someone I’d just met in a restaurant. I’m a rules guy, I don’t like confrontation. I told her it was hot but I wasn’t feeling it on a first date, that restaurant sex isn’t my thing but maybe we could try it some other time when we’d planned it.
“About 15 minutes later, she came back to the table and didn’t really talk to me for the rest of the dinner. I didn’t know what to do or say. I felt weirdly guilty and uncool, but also frustrated that I was feeling that way simply by having a boundary.”
Lead image: Getty
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